The Produce of Parenthood

     Walking into the family room, with an exasperated sigh, you stare at the array of toys that have been flung about and wonder if you will ever see your children actually pick up anything and put it away-- without being MADE to. You hear them in the next room yelling at the top of their lungs knowing they are creating more chaos and the thought that they would ever operate in peace is as far flung from your reality as the toys scattered before you.  It just doesn’t look good for the home team, and as the coach,you feel like a failure.

     With all the teaching and training that you do, all the time-outs and the extra choirs that you assign—you would think that you would see the good behavior and character that you were hoping for. That seems to be a fair expectation….after all, you are doing the right things and you expect right results. Right?

      And yet, somehow your experience and reality don’t line up with your expectations.

     Take heart! Just as it takes time for fruit trees to grow and mature before the fruit is produced, such is the way in raising children. We would like to think that we could guide and instruct and then presto-change-o, we would see perfect behavior manifest in our perfect, angelic children. Not so fast. There is a G-R-O-O-O-WING season that requires time to accomplish its good work.

     If you keep doing the next right thing, if you keep pouring into their little lives in a healthy and productive way, you WILL see responsibility demonstrated freely, you will hear love shared and you will experience unity as a family.  The changes will appear little by little and then more and more. As your children grow into young adults you will GO to a movie WITH your child…not just take him to a movie. You will talk WITH your maturing child not just at him. You will enjoy seeing your children morph into young adults….and your heart will be delighted.

     “I have to wait until they are ADULS to realize the fruits of my labor?” you shout.      Although you will witness seasons of growth in adolescence and that progress will be exciting....the basic answer to that question is -yes. You do the work and the nurturing as you lead them through their childhood---aka the growing years—and then you begin to remove yourself from the parenting role and enjoy the results of your years of dedication and diligence.

     My oldest son called me this weekend and offered to drive the hour out to my house to work on my “to do” list. Like I would say NO?!? He came out and fixed my fence, trimmed trees and covered up the pool—all things I can’t do myself. One of the best parts of that gift was that it came unsolicited!! It makes me happy when I get to go out with my adult daughters  and/or sons to dinner or a movie…and I truly enjoy their company as well as watching them in relationships with one another.

     Don’t give up or grow weary in your well doing. Being the parent can seem like such a thankless job as you work 24/7 —without seeing the fabulous end results. But please know there is a lot of internal work taking place while you are waiting for a peek at the yield. BE THE PARENT: Do the work and reap the bountiful harvest! 

Cleanup On Isle Three

         You fight the burning desire to look up to see who is watching your five-year-old have a melt down on isle 3-- knowing the judgment that will be evident on their faces. "You come over here lady and deal with this squealing monkey if you think you can do a better job"...is what you would like to say--- if you had enough nerve. But it would seem that Jr. just stepped on the last one you had. 

      Don't overcompensate to prove to the nosy grandma lingering over the shredded-wheat as if she really was experiencing a dilemma over which fiber  to buy --that you've got this. This isn't about you. It IS about your child. What you do next either works toward changing a behavior or reinforcing it. Pressure builds. What's a mother to do? Breathe. It really is the only thing you can do. Just take a moment and breathe. It is not the end of the world but it is part of the job and a hurdle to be sure. 

     Is all this REALLY about the Choc-O cereal or is it about the time of day? Have you asked too much of your child-- is he hungry? ready for a nap? Have you tried to squeeze a quick-run-into-the-store into an already difficult day? If so, count your loses and make your exit plan.  Deny the desire to just-give-him-the-cereal-so-he-will-shut-up-already. Resist the urge to yell or smack your child.  Tell Jr. that throwing himself on the floor is not acceptable-- in whatever phrases he understands--insist he stands up, take his hand and with as much dignity as you can muster-- walk out of the store.  A store employee will have been watching the kiddie-show and will get the groceries restocked. At this moment, the most important players are your child and you. There is no need to fuss at him about his bad behavior; just put him in his booster seat and drive home. Whatever you thought you had to have will have to be gotten later. 

      When the timing is bad, you can't expect your child to give you the behavior you desire if he doesn't have it in him.

     HOWEVER, if this is not a timing issue, but rather a behavior issue, use it as a teachable moment. With eye-to-eye contact ( and no regard to lingering granny) quietly explain  what is expected. When you get quiet your child has to get quiet to hear what you have to say-- just in case it is "YES you can have what you want". Tell Jr. he can either walk calmly with you or ride in the cart and that throwing a fit will not get him what he is crying for. Stand perfectly still until he contains himself. Yes, even if it takes a few minutes. You are investing in his future behavior here.  When he gets quiet, continue on with your shopping. Now, engage him in some positive conversation. Help him redeem himself and regain some self-control ( both of you). Ask him to point out where the milk is. When there are options--- raisins or applesauce-- let him make the choice. Praise his good behavior and helpfulness. What 5 year old WANTS to be dragged through the boring task of grocery shopping? If it is a big shopping trip, offer a reward for good behavior to be awarded when you are done.. Kind of like a paycheck at the end of the job. Remind him along the way that he is earning his reward by good behavior.

     Timing is everything. BE THE MOM: don't ask the impossible at an improbable time. Teach and train: set your child up for success and enjoy your time with him!
    

The Girl They Sing About

"Be the girl they sing about" -- a great catch phrase on a billboard in Nashville. For a split second I thought "ahhhh, how sweet";  love songs flashed through my head...the I love you, gotta get close to you, gotta show you--- won't you be mine--- kind of songs. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine....And~ I will always love you......songs. Images of  wholesome girls with sweet smiles twirling in fields of flowers danced in my head. But those thoughts came to a screeching halt when I saw the dim product image on the left side of the billboard--- some kind of vitamin water and the word that was most notable --- ZERO. As in zero calories. I was crushed. I have no idea about the original intent behind the ad campaign but I can tell you, the quick message I took from it as I flew by was...... ZERO calories. Count the calories.  You can be the girl that men sing about IF you LOOK right; IF you are skinny enough.   You can be the girl in the love songs IF you do whatever it takes to take the weight off or keep yourself in a size zero jean. ZERO. You can be the girl wooed and pursued IF you count those calories and perform to media expectations.
It just crushed me for every young girl who would see that advertisement and hear the message that they are not desirable, not candidates for THOSE songs unless they are counting those calories.
Mom, make sure that you are doing what it takes to counter the information your daughter is bombarded with each day~ via electronic media, print media,sports and movie stars, visual advertisements ( which are also in schools) peer pressure etc. It seems that no matter where they turn, the message to our daughters is they  don't measure up to the perceived perfection of their generation as they are: changes must be made.
You really will have to go above and beyond the call of duty to shout louder than the media frenzy. You have to help them  know their value from the inside out. That counts for the girls who are size zero too. The Zero girls think they have arrived and that nothing more is required of them; they may feel as though they are better than those who don't look as good as they do. They can be Empty Beautiful Shells. I am not saying ALL skinny girls are shallow, I am saying that the girls who WORK at being size zero at all costs, are striving for the wrong goals.
We know that the heart of a woman and how she relates to the people around her are her most beautiful assets with no calorie counting required.
BE THE MOM: monitor your daughter's self esteem....make it a topic of conversation.Make SURE she knows that she is beautiful for who she is and that is what makes her the girl the world sings about.

Believing is seeing...

     One of the best lines in The Santa Clause movie is , "Seeing isn't believing, Believing is seeing" -- isn't that true in many aspects of our lives? If we believe something -that is how we tend to see it. Take our children for instance; if we believe our children to be perfect little angels, that is all we tend to see ( often times to the chagrin of others). Conversely, if we see our child as a "devil child" ( I have heard more than one person say that of their child), THAT is all we see.
     The trouble with either or both of those scenarios is that we tend to feed what we believe. Little "angel" can walk from table to table at a restaurant -- disturbing others' dinner-- and angel's parents just think it is sooooo cute. Thus feeding the precociousness of said child rather than teaching and training about manners and boundaries.  Likewise, parents who only see the bad in their child, will miss great opportunities to praise him or her and reinforce good behavior because they are too busy yelling and smacking at the little "devil"
      You can guarantee that if the nursery worker at your church sees your little angel hording all the toys and taking what she wants from others...they aren't going to laugh it off as him or her being a little "organizer". . And if you keep stomping on your monster child, he or she will do all they can do to live up to that reputation and all the effort of his or  her school teacher to "do" anything with that child will be short lived because the teacher will believe what he or she sees too. Seeing will indeed be believing for those working with your children
     Maybe it is time for a vision exam.  You really have to be ready for this reality checkup-- ready to hear the truth and ready to act on it. Ask someone near and dear to you-- someone you can trust to tell the truth without sugar coating or being brutal-- to tell you what they see when they are with your kids. Especially if you think you are SURE you know the answer!! This kind of hard truth can be life altering....for you and your child. But how much better to make parenting adjustments now to see more clearly what your child's behavior is telling you-- rather than dealing with major issues and regrets later!
     Great adults start-out as kids with imperfect parents willing to do what it takes...believing that their children will grow into kind & caring, productive, happy adults while seeing them for what they are- kids who need the help of parents to get there!
     Be the parent! Do the hard stuff like looking at your children with clear vision and loving them enough to do the work it takes to teach them and train them to be the adults that you want them to be!

Shopping With The Kids.

     IS it unreasonable to expect to be able to grocery shop with 5 children?? THAT conjures up a chaotic picture doesn't it? Lets face it, we have seen our share of haggard moms trying to get through the grocery store with a few of the things on her list while her kids were running up and down the isles grabbing and throwing things, arguing with each other or whining "but I WANT that cereal..." while mom seems oblivious to it all.
     Does it have to be like that? No. But if you are expecting your children to automatically know how to behave in the grocery store or any situation... you are in for a rude awakening!! That would be the same as you being dropped off in a foreign country with the expectation that you will just KNOW their customs and how to navigate their city streets. Can you say FRUSTRATION?
     Whether you have 2 children, 5 children or more, you CAN take them to a store and accomplish your intended agenda....but it will take some work to get there.
     There are many things to consider when you load your brood up and head for the store....do NOT take your children if they are tired and hungry....you don't enjoy being dragged around when you are hungry and tired...do you? Pick a time when you will have your greatest success....you KNOW your kids.
     Next... make short trips. Go to the grocery store with low expectations about what you will purchase and high expectations about teaching and training your children. Make SURE they are aware of what you expect before you enter the doors: you expect them to use their inside voices, stay close by you, keep their hands to themselves and not to ask for anything that is not on the list-- and if they behave there will be a reward at the end. But be prepared to leave the grocery cart, suffer your embarrassment and leave the store if your children misbehave. They need to know you mean what you say.
     Do short trips a few times....praise good behavior and coach them about what they need to do better next time.
     NOW, for the all-out I-have-to-take-the-kids-with-me grocery trip. Again, make sure it is good timing -- the kids have been fed and are not ready for nap. Be sure you have a list with you, otherwise you can get lost in the process of trying to remember what you need and forget to keep an eye on your kids. Here comes the fun part....involve your kids in the process. It is BORING to walk up and down grocery isles for an hour or so.. I would get cranky if I had nothing to DO. Age appropriately....let one child hold the coupons, ask others to locate products you name ( cereal, vegetables...etc), smaller children can be asked to point out products that are a certain color or have an animal on them ( whatever game you create to keep them happy). Well, you get the picture. Older children can be given a part of the list and a cart to do part of the shopping on their own. Reward good behavior with a treat at the end.....and meet bad behavior with a consequence ( once they have been taught and trained and KNOW what is expected of them of course).
    It seems like a lot of work doesn't it?  And the easier thing to do would be to leave your children at home with an adult or babysitter....but would they be prepared in case you HAD to take them?
     The more time you take to teach and train your children, the greater the success for you all and the more positive times you will have with them as you journey out into this busy world!
BE THE MOM: Teach and train for success!

Who Are You Calling Strong Willed?

      What do you call a strong willed child? Well, some people call them difficult, willful,spirited and disruptive. We just call them ..OURS!
     Recently, I spoke to a group of moms about Discipline and The Strong Willed Child. Whew, what a topic. But I guess it takes one to know one...."strong will"  runs in my family. The trick is using the character traits of a strong willed child for good and not evil!
     Is a strong willed child birthed or created? The common consensus is - BOTH! The way a child is wired, the way he learns and sees the world shapes how he will respond to what is going on around him. Strong willed children are smart and often believe that justice should reign...even in an unjust world. They work hard to get the pieces to fit but are not usually tactful about any perceived injustice they experience. Thus the label "difficult". We, however, can cause a child to become strong willed if we are controlling and demanding; some children don't take kindly to being yelled at!
     The strong willed child may look at you and say, " You can't MAKE me!", but he CAN be persuaded. Lets look at it this way: a compliant child may respond positively to a simple request to take cookies to her grandma while the exact same request may make a strong willed child balk. But if you say to your swc," would you please take these cookies to grandma because she fell and would really appreicate them"...THEN he will do what you have asked him to do....most of the time :-).
     Intense, persistent, sensitive, ridgid and energetic may describe strong willed people, but also describes good leaders and those who are willing to fight for their rights and the rights of others. If you can help the swc understand that he doesn't have to be controlling and domineering, he can become a good leader.
     I would like to tell you that the formula for disciplining a strong willed child is 2 time outs and 3 early to beds...and viola, he becomes compliant. Wouldn't THAT be lovely! After you stop laughing, remember that how you approach your child may determine how effective your discipline is. If you are strong willed --know when to back down and back off because a stand-off means no one gets what he wants and yelling means you have lost control-- of yourself. You can not teach self-control without demonstrating it. Pick your battles, be firm but fair, stay focused ( do NOT let the swc get you off track!) and give choices. Strong willed children are from the school of hard knocks, they would rather experience than listen. The best form of training is cause and effect: "if you want to ride your bike, you MUST wear your helmet-- no helmet, no bike"; "if you push to get up front, you will be moved to the back of the line",etc. The best forms of discipline * remove the child from the disruption ( if he is causing an argument, send him to time out)  but if he is throwing a fit, *remove yourself from his presence; * find the currency  that motivates your child and use it as leverage ( "you won't clean up your room? No beloved X-box until you do"); and finally, *make it clear! Anything you want him to do or not to do has to be clear and if you say there will be a consequence, you better make it happen. He HAS to believe you or all is lost. There is a lot of love in a NO!
    Raising a strong willed child takes work, but that work in the early years provides great dividends as he grows up. My oldest swc hiked the Appalachian Trail ( I think because someone told him it couldn't be done) and is proud of his accomplishment. Three of my other children are working their way through college...determined to get it done-- no matter what! They have had great adventures - including out of country mission trips and are good leaders We sometimes have too many cooks in the kitchen, so to speak, but we really enjoy being together and know that we have each others back!

Do You Know Where Your Children Are?

     More often than not, the question...."do you know where your children are"  is directed toward parents of teens. But I would toss that question out to all parents. "WHAT?" You say..."how can anyone not know where their young children are?"  And the answer would be...you would be surprised!
     I recently talked with a life guard who works year-round at a local swim club. I asked him if he had ever had to save a life and he had a few stories to share.  His stories of heroism seemed to have a theme....he had to jump in and save children who were unsupervised, children who were more or less left for the guards to tend. For example: one parent had walked away leaving a 3 year old in a float while she went to the sauna. This young life guard had to turn the child right-side-up after she had flipped over because no adult was with her. Other children found themselves in water over their head because their mothers were more interested in sun bathing than in the whereabouts of their child.
      My pet peeve is watching parents walk with purpose to accomplish their own agenda while their children...even toddlers.... follow behind like little ducklings in a PARKING LOT! Small children can not be seen by drivers backing out of a parking space....they NEED the watchful eyes of their parents.
     Have we become so fixated on our own importance and needs ~ not to mention our cell phones~ that we have forgotten our JOBS as parents? Have we imposed our parental duties on life guards and expected THEM to babysit our children? Have we asked the same of movie ushers, people who work at the mall or in play areas at restaurants?
     Our children need our eyes, ears and wisdom to help them grow and become the wonderful adults we envision. Please do not think that I am saying that every accident a child suffers through is the parent's fault through negligence. Accidents DO happen. My encouragement is for parents to check in and be present with their children.
    Take if from an almost empty-nester, the years go by WAY too fast. You may not believe it right now, but before long you are going to be longing for opportunities to have conversations with your children. 
     When they were young, there were no video players mysteriously dropping from the ceiling of the car to entertain my children ( yes, I am THAT old), all they had was me. We sang silly songs, and the kids learned how to count by counting cows or cars and they learned their colors and letters from road signs. (I have wondered recently if our children will be directionally challenged and lack the skills to read  maps because they are constantly watching movies while riding in the car and the parents depend on the GPS to get them where they want to go. Just a thought.)
    You may get your hair wet when the kids are splashing in the pool, but the smiles you share while your young child is leaning how to swim will be memories you keep in your heart  looong after your  suntan fades. And you might just try skipping as you hold your child's hand as you maneuver through the parking lot. Our children deserve our attention and care as well as our encouragement and protection.
     Remember, you have a captive audience when you are driving down the road in your min-van or SUV. Your kids may moan when you sing to the oldies-but-goodies, but before long they will join in and giggle along.
     Tune in, connect and share the joy.
     Be the Parent: Be present.

Where have all the Parents gone?

One of my daughters went to StarBucks for coffee with a friend last night , they we enjoying a conversation in the comfy chairs when a young couple came in with their 2 children. As the parents ordered their double-shot skinny Mocha Lattes the  kids did what kids are naturally drawn to do...they went over to see the nice ladies.  The 4 year old boy started with  "watch me, watch me!" as he put his hands on two chairs swinging himself back and forth -shoving the chair my daughter was sitting in  to get a better swinging field - while his sister leaned over the arm of the big chair putting herself between my daughter and her friend. All the while the parent's just smiled. At one point they cautioned the children not to bump and spill the ladies' coffee...but that was all the parenting that was done. This couple thought their little entertainers were in StarBucks to share their time and talents with the customers- the customers where not of the same mind.
It amazes me how oblivious parents can be to their impact on society....good and bad. Little Princess standing on the table belting out " The sun will come out to-mah-wow...." may be all fun and games at your family reunion...but not so much at the local eatery ( unless she is American Idol- show stopping worthy). And I am sorry, but I am NOT amused when your little man comes over to my table and asks if he can have a bite of my sandwich. You laugh, but you have seen it happen.
This is a wake up call to parents far and wide....look around you, look closely at the faces of the other patrons in the restaurant/ coffee house/ store and see if they are smiling or smirking. If their eyes are begging for rescue...coral your little munchkins and remember the personal space rules.
Just because you feel relief being out of the house and finding someone else to whom your son can yell "watch me, watch ME" doesn't give you the right to abdicate your parenting role and turn off your conscience connection to the rules of polite society. It does matter, it isn't cute and and I want my personal space back.
On the flip side of this tirade.... keep putting  your little girl's hair in those little palm-tree pigtails....they really do make us smile and when your little guy tries to hold the door open for us it makes our day. I make it a point to compliment  kids when they are at the grocery store ( or out in public) behaving nicely ( yes, I am one of THOSE women)...I think it is smart to reward good behavior and  a mom should get an atta-boy when she has taught her kids not to go buck-wild.  We, the other diners at the restaurant, understand if your little guy has to get up from the table because he just can't sit any longer...just keep him by your table...don't let him ruin the meal for people at other tables. And if your little girl plays peek-a-boo over the back of the booth, while it may be cute at first...know that the people in the other booth will grow tired of it quickly ...so put a stop to the game. And PLEASE, if you are in church, at a movie or listening to a speaker....if your child starts to make noise.....happy OR sad noise..., forgo the entertainment for the sake of the other people present and remove your child from the room.
I know you are tired and I KNOW parenting 24/7 is hard...but think about what you are teaching your children - if there are no boundaries, they can not learn self-control.
 It is all about inhabiting the same space in peace.
Be the Parent: Be Aware!

New Look

It can be fun to make changes, I enjoyed making changes to this blog page. We like making changes to our hair, make-up and nails, we spruce up our homes with new paint and wall-paper, and may even trade the old car for a newer model.
Some kids find comfort in familiarity and balk at any changes. We know the kids who can NOT sleep without a certain blanket or stuffed animal and will insist that you say goodnight to ALL his dinosaurs on the shelf- in order- ....and will not let you get away with skipping just one ( no matter how tired and desperate you are to get into your own bed). Many kids become agitated and cranky when routines are changed and may resist sleeping in the Pack-N-Play at Grandma's house, no matter how much you WISH they would just lay down and go to sleep.
Whats a mother to do? Do all you can (within reason) to make your child feel safe and secure. Remember that it won't be like this forever, things will right themselves before he or she is ready to go off to college.
There are those kids who like to make changes too~~ little Susie wants to be a princess and insists on being called Cinderella ....she will answer to nothing else. But you may notice that that is as far as the change goes and Cinderella will ONLY where one dress....day and night. This has become her new comfort zone and coaxing her to wear shorts and T shirt to go out for dinner will do you no good.
So the question is : do you force her to wear something other than the princess dress and answer to her real name?
I am no child psychologist but past experience is an excellent teacher and my encouragement is to remember that this too shall pass. Preserve relationship and celebrate your child's unique personality...so what if some old biddy raises her eyebrow at you in a public place? If your child is happy and no harm is being done....perhaps there is a tiara you can wear to be a part of Cinderella's court!
We recently had a bowling party for one of my siblings. My sister-in-law showed up with my 6 year old niece who was wearing a blue flowered sundress over a red and white baseball shirt, along with black footless tights and black dress shoes. I was so excited to see that my sister-in-law had not let any embarrassment keep her from allowing her daughter to express her independence and individuality! I was congratulating her when she explained to me that going out in public was nothing...the hard part was learning that it had been picture day at school! ARGH! But the truth is that day came and went and there will be some interesting pictures to add to the baby book.
Your child will let you know if change is good~ listen~ your child is telling you something!

Follow the Leader

I was recently reminded about how animals, especially ducklings and chicks, follow the first thing they see move after they have hatched. It is called Imprinting.... much study has gone into the whys and wherefores of it all. All I know is that when one of my brothers was a teenager a girlfriend gave him a purple chick for Easter and that little fluffy thing followed him around like he was the chicks mother. Back and forth they went through the house.....my football playing brother with a purple chick at his heels. It really was quite funny!
You have probably noticed with your own children that they learn what they see modeled in front of them. We can work with them all day long to say please and thank-you. We remind and they practice...but they usually need prompting again and again to use it at the right time. But you let go of ONE good #@&% and your child will repeat it, with accuracy and perfect enunciation, under similar circumstances with witnesses. For example, if you get frustrated behind someone who is blocking your way in traffic and finally just shout out a #+@& in anger... sure enough, while your child is trying to get past someone in the isle at church, that little munchkin will let out a great big #+@& just like mom or dad- accurate the first time!
My point? We teach and train but kids follow what they witness and live. It is ridiculous to yell at our children and yet expect that they won't yell at their siblings or other kids--- or back at YOU! If we are couch potatoes, they will be couch potatoes; if we eat junk food, they will eat junk food; if we show kindness to other people, they will show kindness...and so on and so forth. You get the picture. As my dear old mom used to say, "you don't get pears from an apple tree". We produce what we are.
So, what's a mother to do? Decide what type of adult you want your child to grow up to be....and BE THAT. If you want honest children...don't lie ( like telling your husband to say you aren't at home to the person on the phone-- with your child standing right there!), if you want your child to like getting an education, show the love of reading and learning in your home, if you want your children to eat healthy foods...let them see you eating healthy foods and then serve the good stuff at family meals.
Be the role model your children need, be the person you want your children to be!

Olly Olly oxen free!

The air is cool for a July night and what a good time to be outside with your children! "Too much to get done"- you say? Nights like this sing to the child in you -- can Susie come out and play? There are fireflies to catch and neighborhoods to walk. Can you hear the swings at the park calling to one another underneath the street lights- forlorn that they have been forgotten?
Shake things up a bit, surprise your children...do something the child in you would be delighted with. The return on your investment will be lots of smiles and laughter-- not only from your children but also from you!
So often we get in the rut of telling the kids to straighten up and act right, clean up and do their homework that we may not realize that we have not connected with them on any other level than authoritarian. Those things do in deed have to get done- but at the cost of all fun and humor?
As adults we don't like our only connections with people we care about to come by way of orders, our children don't like it much either. I AM all about being the mom, but not just the "director" mom, there is a happy mom in there just dieing to get out too!
How about building great memories tonight....sit on the front porch and eat ice cream, or walk the neighborhood and share favorite memories. Better yet, go to the park ( if it is safe) and play imaginary base ball and when you hit your home-run, run all the bases and make crowd cheering noises! You won't regret it!
Be the mom: have fun with your kids.

The heart of a Mom.

Having children not only stretched my skin, it stretched my heart as well. I remember falling in love with my first child and the depth of it shocked me. When I became pregnant with my second child I had a panic attack wondering how in the world I was ever going to love this baby as much as I did my first. At some point, I really wondered just what I had gotten myself in to!!! You probably felt the same way too. And no matter how many friends said it would be fine..I would love them both, I just couldn't wrap my mind around it.
Then, WHAM, it happened.....my second darling was born and my heart stretched. Right there in front of God and everybody...it just happened, with no effort from me, I might add. Now, five children later, I have a heart the size of Kansas and the stretchmarks to prove it. ARGH!
Now, instead of staying up nights rocking babies, I stay awake waiting to hear them come in...THEN I can fall asleep. I don't care how old they get, they still carry a piece of my heart with them and nothing makes me happier than to have all the pieces at home at one time. That's when the heart swells so much my face leaks.
On this Mother's Day I reflect on the first flower I ever received from my son--- a slightly smushed dandelion, delivered in a chubby little hand with love and only the flowers from the rest of the kids can compare.
Happy Mother's Day!! BE THE MOM!!

This means WAR!

What part of this war did you think was going to be easy?

In this express-paced my-day-is-set-to-a-sound-track world our children are growing up in, there is a mega war going on for their attention as well as their self-image. Every day society is vying for our children's attention to persuade them to change or conform to an advertised image while we spend our time teaching our children our values as we work toward shaping their character. Christians use the Bible as their moral compass and guide, other religions use other guidelines...but we have our own set ideas and desires for the outcome~ raising compassionate adults who are productive in society - an asset rather than a burden- aware of their purpose in the world with the gumption to make things happen while being self-satisfied.

Did you ever expect to see TVs and dvd players in our cars? Why, when we were kids, we counted cows and liked it! But that is a whole 'nother rabbit trail! The point is ( yes, there IS a point) that daily, almost no matter where they are, our children are being not just influenced by, but assaulted with, ideas, images and heavy suggestions that they are not who they SHOULD be. On television- not just the commercials but also the character identification- in restaurants, in school, in the bathroom stall for that matter, while riding down the road- both roadside ads and radio , practically everywhere they look there is some ad or message to tell them what they have, do, need, or look like needs to be different if they are to be satisfied with their lives.

According to Jean Kilbourne, who has been studying ads' cultural impact for almost 20 years in an interview by Nan Knutsen:"....advertising's influence is cumulative and primarily unconscious. The less consciously we watch ads, the more deeply we are affected. The average American is exposed to more than 3000 ads a day, and companies spend over $200 billion each year on advertising." 200 BILLION dollars. Wow. I have had people tell me that advertising doesn't effect them. My thought is that it does influence us, otherwise the money wouldn't be spent in the trying. Who among us can't sing a jingle from ages ago? The messages are that we are not cool enough, tall enough, pretty enough, successful enough to be a an acceptable person, therefore we must ascribe to xyz to attain satisfaction.

So, what are our children learning? The next time little-boy throws a fit in the grocery store for some sugary sweet cereal, look beyond the taste buds to the message that cereal carries for him-- that he will only have fun and adventures if he eats that box of cereal. The next time little-girl acts out in the store to get the super short shirt to go with the micro-mini skirt, ask yourself if the message she has received is that she will only be accepted by the other girls as a worthy person if she dresses just like they do, OR that the boys will only pay attention if she follows the cool fashions- and, after-all, if boys don't notice us we have no value - do we?
What is a parent to do? Fight the good fight! Do not sit passively by and let this war rage for your child's self-image and esteem. Yes, parenting is hard. Yes, this war is difficult because this war is not age discriminatory and never ends. But if you are not counteracting this campaign, who will?

Let you children know that is not "stuff" that defines them. Some of you laugh at that because you are already ahead of the game, but haven't we all met people who, as adults, still don't get this message?

Self-satisfied people who know their own value raise children who know the same about themselves.
Be the parent: dispel the lies!

Momnesia

I know I had a blueberry muffin in my hand just a minute ago. I had it when I answered the phone- I remember because I wanted to take a bite when Sue asked me a question. But then as I was walking down the hall I noticed that the washing machine had stopped so I put the wet clothes in the dryer. The hammer that was on the dryer needed to go back to the tool box and while on my way to the garage I noticed that the cats needed to be fed. I MAY have had the hammer and muffin in my hand at the same time...but I am not sure. I KNOW I did not have it when I changed the baby's wet diaper and picked up the toys in his room. I was on my way back to the kitchen when Jane needed help finding her shoes and I discovered that her closet floor was a disaster! Closet cleaned....and I am hungry---now, where IS that muffin?
You are laughing, but you have had mornings just like this one.
Is there a cure for momnesia, not really. Perhaps the more organized you are the less you suffer from the condition. But if you have small children you know that the best plans and schedules are temporary and subject to change- on a moments notice.
If you have kids you have "situations", like dirty diapers, when you are trying to get everyone in the car to take sister to school that upset the time schedule. Or, lost ____( you fill in the blank: shoes, keys, blankie, pacifier...) that side track you from the direction you were heading. How about the creative moments-- little-one decides that butt paste is not just for butts anymore, even if the cat doesn't need it; Jr. discovers that jello looks pretty on baby sister's head or my favorite- after you have all the children dressed for church, the youngest winds up with lotion in her hair and on her dress.....the only clean dress that fits. ARGH!
What's a mom with momnesia supposed to do? Learn to laugh at the situation. The way I see it, you can loose it and make the moments worse, or you can take a deep breath, look at the bright side ( there is ALWAYS a bright side), deal with what IS ( the reality that you will be late for where you are going and everyone WILL be OK) and do the best you can.
Where was that muffin? In the freezer from when I took the chicken out to defrost for dinner. The bright side? At least the dog didn't eat it.
Be the cool, calm Mom - look at the bright side!

Suspicious minds...........

I was listening to a mommy confession on the radio- a woman was telling about coming out of church noticing that her son was lagging behind the family walking with his hands behind his back, acting a little suspicious. Mom asked what he was doing and received the "nothin" answer while he shuffled along. Mom asked what he had behind his back, "nothin" was the reply. Mom became concerned that he had taken something from church that didn't belong to him, so she asked him to show her what he had behind his back. The boy did not comply. Still concerned that he had something that wasn't his, mom sternly said "show me what you have in your hands!". With head hanging low, the boy brought his hands from behind his back and showed mom the gift he had made her for Mother's Day. Busted surprise! Mom felt terrible and said she learned a life-long lesson that day.
A dad who called in told about how they had company one evening  and while they were still visiting he had put his reluctant young daughter to bed. She came down a few minutes later saying, " dad, there is something furry upstairs." Dad, believing this was a stall tactic, told his daughter to go back upstairs to bed. A few minutes later she returned saying, " dad, there is something furry upstairs." Dad told her to go to bed and stay there. Not too much more time passed and here she came again, but before she could say anything dad grabbed her by the hand and walked her back up the stairs while sternly telling her that she had to stay in her bed. At the top of the stairs he turned and saw a gray-squirrel in the bathroom. Within minutes family and friends were running around with a sheet trying to get the furry creature out of the house. Needless to say, humble pie is best eaten warm!
How many times do we suspect the worst of our child first~ rather than thinking the best? And what message are we sending them with our suspicious minds?
Just something to think about.
Trust is a precious connection in a relationship, especially between parent and child. If your child usually tells the truth~ believe the best not the worst.
Be the parent: build trust.

Do these things come with a manual?

I have heard more than one parent lament that their child did not come with an owner's manual. Wouldn't it be great if each child did come with instructions: this one is gassy, there are drops for that; this one sleeps all night but is a live-wire during the day, there are swing attachments for that; or this one only eats orange foods, avoid all greens. Unfortunatly, there is no manual for our newborn. However, when it comes to raising them and shaping there character, there IS one! It is called the Bible. Who has ALL the answers? Not me! Lets face it, we need all the help we can get. The Bible is FULL of direction and insight especially in the books of Proverbs and Psalms> they tell that a "wise man" does this and a "fool" does that. It is like the colored vegetables- you do one and avoid the other!
I know I could not do this job alone. It gives me great peace and courage to know that God (who is in control of my life) is bigger than me and all my problems, has the answers I don't even know the questions to yet and has the map and directions for me and my family to get through this life with joy and on into heaven. The heaven I am looking forward to is the home of Jesus Christ.
It is not my place to tell you how you should raise your child spiritually, but I do want to encourage you to find the help you need to the hardest job you will ever have! It is so very nice not to have to walk this place alone!
Be the Parent: Guide your child!

Let your No be No!

In my opinion, parenting is THE hardest job you will ever have and live to tell about!
You are nourishing bodies and souls, you are shaping character and forming compassionate hearts, as well as creating the leaders of future generations. Yeah, it may seem like all dirty diapers and smeared on baby food right now—but you just wait until you see the end results!
It is all too easy to get tired and overwhelmed because parenting takes soooo much energy, not only physical, but mental as well. Some days it is just easier to say "yeah, yeah" to a request rather than use the energy it would take to enforce a good "NO".
But may I encourage you to look farther down the road? Look at the character you would like your child(ren) to exhibit as adults and make the investment in that character now; no matter the energy it may require.
Children do not get spoiled because they are loved too much, they get spoiled because of inconsistent parenting and no clear boundaries.I am no parenting expert by any means, nor am I a psychologist, but I am a parent and I have seen how this all works. I like to tell parents that they can do this job, they can make it through the harder times and enjoy their children now and as they get older. However, it takes time and commitment.
The short term "yes" may give you peace for the moment, but the harder "no" may give you peace for many years. Think about it.
There is a lot of love behind a “no”.
Be the Parent: see the results

Get some sleep!

I am often asked how to get a child to sleep through the night. If you have ever watched Super Nanny you have received some great instruction on the topic. The point is, if you go to your children every time they cry after you put them down to sleep, you are telling them, “you are unable to go to sleep without me and if you cry I will come and help you get to sleep. Every time and all the time.” Is that REALLY what you want to do? I did not want to spend every night in a “get-back-in-your-bed-and-stop-crying” routine, which happens as your infant becomes a toddler that never learned how to go to sleep on his or her own. After learning from the first child, I parented smarter!
Infants need us- they depend on us for their very livelihood; they can not take care of themselves. So we feed and change and rock them…and sometimes they still cry. Crying is a child’s language- as you get used to your child you begin to understand the “I’m hungry” cry or the “my tummy hurts” cry. Or even the “I am wet and can’t stand it” cry. But sometimes, baby just needs to cry. And as long as all of his or her needs have been met, they are comfortable (not too hot and not too cold) and in a safe position, it is ok to let them cry. Maybe you let them cry for a few minutes the first night before going to him or her, and then 15 minutes the next, until eventually your baby is crying for a short period of time and drifting off to sleep without any patting or rocking from you. And if he or she wakes up in the night they will be able to go back to sleep without crying to get you back in the room so YOU can put them back to sleep. It really can be done. But it is all up to you. Decide what message you want your child to receive from you and act on it. I like the message: I love you and know you can go to sleep without me!
Teach your 3 year old( or what-ever age) that she can not come into your bed and sleep with you in the middle of the night by saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Put her back to bed a few nights in a row and you won’t have to deal with feet in your back or under your chin for months on end!
Everyone wins and the whole family is happier! Be the PARENT and get a good night’s sleep!

Teach and Train.

Aren’t you glad that you are not given a job to do (without any training) expected to do it right from the start? It makes me think of the old I LOVE LUCY show when she and Ethel are on the candy making conveyer line. They didn’t get much practice before they were expected to do the job of covering candy in chocolate quickly and efficiently. They wound up with candy everywhere!
When I am at work and I am being trained to do a new task usually someone is working with me to show me how to do it and answer any questions. At some point I branch out and try it on my own but have someone there to remind me how to use the new program or create a new invoice. I sure am glad that I am not just expected to KNOW it or get fired!
Very often we tell a child to do (or NOT to do) something and then discipline if they don’t respond correctly. I would encourage you to teach and train your children BEFORE going for the discipline. Discipline AFTER your child has mastered something you have taught him but chooses to disobey. Take standing on the coffee table as an example; first, make sure you are setting a good example, don’t stand on the coffee table (lol) . Second, teach your 18 month old not to stand on the coffee table by removing him and telling him “we do not stand on the coffee table” while setting his feet on the floor—repeatedly. Yes, over and over and over again. It is not a FUN thing to do but sometimes teaching is required but not enjoyable. When you see him look at the table and choose NOT to climb on it, tell him how great it is that he is NOT climbing on the table. At this point you know he is beginning to understand that he should not climb on the table. AFTER this point if he chooses to climb on the coffee table you can reinforce what you have taught with age appropriate discipline, perhaps by scolding when you remove him- giving the instruction “we do not stand on the table” a little more sternly and setting him on a stool or small chair for a few seconds. You may have to work at teaching and training for a little while each day for a few days but he will get the idea. The point is not to expect your young child (at most any age) to hear an instruction ONE time and immediately know how to act accordingly.
Be the PARENT and get the results! Stick with it! Teach and train before you discipline.

Vacation Blues?

If you can hardly wait for spring break or summer vacation to be over because YOU can’t stand being with your own kids….who WILL be able to stand being with your children now, as they become teenagers and when they are adults? What kind of friends will they attract in high school, or what kind of person will WANT to marry them?
The key is to create an environment within your home where there is peace and where you all WANT to be. A place where no one person is overbearing and controlling but that the members of your household learn to respect each other and find ways to get along. Is my house ALWAYS peaceful? NO! Are there days when siblings just don’t want to live with each other any more? YES! But more days than not, they find ways to get along. Some days there are arguments, other days they are playing cards and board-games or going to movies together. Some days there is crying , but lots of days there is laughter. My house is the house that my kids friends like to come to. Not because it is perfect by any means, but because we love one another and try to look out for the best interest of each other. And we like to have fun.
Yes, my children are older now, but I remember the younger days when I had 5 children from teens to toddlers running around the house. Believe me, 5 kids make lots of noise no matter the age ( EVEN NOW!). But I loved having my kids home then and I love having my kids home now. Am I SUPER MOM? NO!! I am just working hard at helping my family respect each other – even if there are days they don’t like each other and to love each other through thick and thin. Blood IS thicker than water, and if you don’t feel like your family loves you and has your back, you can become a very lost soul.
Be the PARENT! Take back your home, make it a place of co-operation and respect. Bring back the fun and peace. GET THE RESULTS!! ENJOY your children ( they won’t live with you forever)!!!