Missing Parents

   

All across the globe, parents are missing. It is a horrible phenomenon. Children are being left to their own devices-- literally; they are being taught how to live by Animated Animals , Cars and other Toys. From here to the grocery store they are distracted from arguments ( and problem solving)  or engaging in conversation by movies or video games and a stranger is reading them their bedtime stories via audio ebooks. And may I ask, what was so wrong with playing the License Plate game or the Alphabet Game while on a road trip?
     Why not embrace the techno age? What's the harm in electronic education and entertainment? Nothing when used properly as a tool. Everything when used as a surrogate parent.
    
      I know, I know, the dishes pile up and the kids get rowdy and all you want to do is check (out) your friend's status or  let your mind wander through all the cool/fabulous/impossible ideas ( that you will never attempt)  on Pinterest. You promise yourself you will only scroll through for a minute. You check your email, your Twitter, your Instagram, and you know you have to Google something. You  wind up on ITunes and wonder what to serve for dinner-- BECAUSE IT IS ALREADY DINNER TIME NOW! ARGH!
     Electronics are a time vacuum and a reality bender/suspender/deceiver.
     Time really does fly when your children are riding on its wings.  In a blink your babies aren't babies anymore.   They go from baby to bride or from colic to college in a minute.

     Your little munchkins are being robbed of Face Time--- not the Face Time on the cell phone or iPad-- but the real-- eyeball to eyeball contact that we used to know and love. Joy, pain, frustration...LOVE, all radiate through the eyes and the expressions of our face. We generate more information through our body language than we ever do through our words.

YOU! Yes, YOU! Put that device down and back away slowly~ turn and look at the little faces around you and say HELLO!

BE THE MOM: Engage with your children. When asked, you will say that there is nothing more important to you than your children. Prove it. Say NO to your electronic distractions and YES to playing with your children.
#parenting  #bethemom

Tell Me That You Love Me

The child petulantly stomps her foot and says " NOBODY LOVES ME!".
     Your first reaction is to regal her with ALL you have done for her lately; " haven't I just taken you to the baseball game? And didn't I just buy you a new bicycle???" You do all you can to talk her out of the way she is feeling-- telling her her feelings aren't valid-- but the cry of her heart is still the same. Nobody loves me-- because it feels that way and her love tank is on empty.
    Step back and look at the bigger picture.  What is truly the cry of her heart? SOMEBODY show me love the way I need it. Pure and simple.
     Our differences are what make us unique and they are also what make us mysterious to anyone who may not be like us. We give what we know. We love the way it comes naturally to us. However, that may not be what the recipient of our love NEEDS.
     You can give an elephant  a rocking chair-- well, enough said.
     Love languages. We give love and receive love in a variety of ways-- there is no one-size-fits-all in the language of love. It just is what it is.
     We are born with a big question in our heart-- Do You Love Me?  We walk through this lifetime posing that question to (most) all we encounter. Not necessarily by words, but most assuredly by deeds. From infancy to death we ask: Do YOU love ME? Sometimes the echo back is a resounding YES! in a language we understand...and sometimes it is so foreign we can only shake our head and walk away-- with an empty love tank and a hunger to fill it. Sometimes we look for love in all the wrong places and find that the interpretation is not what we imagined it would be.
     So-- how do we speak the language of  love to our children so that they skip away full and ready to meet the world? Learn the languages and speak fluently.
       Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Ross Campbell M.D list  the 5 Love Languages as Acts of Service, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch and Receiving Gifts ( detailed in their many books including  The 5 Love Languages of Children).  According to them, children from infancy to about 5 years old need to be spoken to in all 5 languages-- and as they get older you will see that their are certain languages that speak love more clearly/deeply to them.
   There are ways to understand the language the recipient needs to hear, they are usually letting the people around them know by words and actions-- if the giver will just take time to observe and interpret.
     The child who speaks Acts of Service may say: Help me! He may be perfectly capable of doing something, but he wants you to do it WITH him.
     The child who speaks Quality Time may say: Play this with me, or Don't leave me, or may do things that capture your attention ( positively or negatively).
     The child who speaks Words of Affirmation may say: Did you see me do that? Do you like my picture? As much as this child is uplifted by your words of encouragement and praise , he is deeply wounded by your criticism.
     The child who speaks Physical Touch may say: Hold me! Sit by ME. I Neeeed you. Teens may not act like they want your hugs but they secretly yearn for them.
     The child who speaks Receiving Gifts may say: What did you bring me? Lets get Grandma a flower! Look what I brought you!  The receiver of gifts also likes to give gifts-- that is the telltale sign and distinguishes him from a spoiled child!
       We certainly benefit from all the ways love is demonstrated throughout our life time-- but we do have a preference or two that make our heart SING!
     BE THE MOM: Observe your children and listen to the language of their heart. Learn to speak the 5 Love Languages fluently and do it often.
https://www.facebook.com/BeTheMom2
      

     

   

What I learned Teaching Parenting Classes In Prison

   

  What I learned in prison.
     I learned that the women in the prison started out as girls with dreams for a bright future. They are surprised when the first lesson I teach in a parenting class is that you can't give what you don't have--- so you have to love and take care of yourself first. It is thought provoking when I say-- if you are full of anger and bitterness, anger and bitterness seep into your life and into your parenting. They are shocked and saddened when I talk about what healthy parenting looks like. They are women who have been wounded in their upbringing  but are beginning to understand that they can make better choices to influence their own children and change the future. That they may have had a bad beginning, but they can have a better finish. I learned that tears flow freely-- as we touch deep wounds and look to be healed, healthy and whole. And I am blessed that they trust me enough to share their lives with me.

     The ladies that attend my parenting class, in a Prison for Women where I teach, want me to share something with you:
       Ladies, if the man you are living with is abusive or aggressive with you-- and you think it is ok because he isn't that way with the kids---more than likely he WILL flip a switch and be abusive with your children at some point. And if anything happens to your kids-- not only will you have to live with the remorse and guilt that you could have saved your child from that pain or death, you will also be held accountable. It is called "Failure to Protect".

     If he uses ( drugs) of any kind and you know about it and anything happens to your kids-- again, not only will you have to live with knowing you could have prevented a tragedy-- you will be held accountable.

     If the man you are living with is verbally abusive or if he is aggressive in his approach to discipline the children -- locking them in their room, locking them out of the house, failing to provide or withholding food and things they need--and anything happens to them,  you will be held accountable.

      They want you to know: trust your gut and read the red flags--- making sure your children have a house to live in, food to eat and clothes to wear is NOT the reason to stay. It does not make it all right to sacrifice their wellbeing. What your children carry with them-- if they survive-- is a wound so deep it becomes a part of who they are, they will let it become their new normal and allow it to be repeated later in their lives. They will live with it or marry it.
     If your kids have to keep family secrets-- if they can't tell everything that is going on in your home and are forced to believe it isn't sooo bad- if you find yourself making excuses for his behavior----take your children and get out. NOW.
      This warning comes from women who are doing time, not because they abused their children but because they did not get their children out of unstable living conditions and something bad happened. They are doing prison time for "failure to protect".
      They said that if just one of you who reads this gets up, packs up and takes your children to a safer place, they will be happy to have saved a life. 

      One of the things I have discussed with the ladies in the Parenting class is what it cost their children for their mom to be doing prison time. They are quite sure that what their children are going through with their mom in prison is far worse than it would have been to leave an unstable home and start a new life.

      They aren't kidding. Failure to provide is no joke.

BE THE MOM: Think beyond today. Trust your instinct to get out. "Not so bad" IS bad. Protect your children at all cost.

 https://www.facebook.com/BeTheMom2

To the guy in row I seat 14 at the baseball game: REALLY?

   

A comfortable night with a slight breeze, pitchers warming up, vendors hawking peanuts and people, happy for the reprieve from the heat, all a buzz on the long holiday weekend;  it was a great evening to watch a baseball game!  A family friendly event,  kids were excited to be out at the ball field  --some not really sure what all the hub-bub was about , but certainly happy with all the popcorn and cotton candy being passed their way and  some wearing their ball gloves in hopes of catching a foul ball.  A cute  little girl with pigtails was thrilled with her mascot OZZIE stuffed toy while other kids were exuberantly bopping each other, their parents and anyone sitting within reach with the blow-up boppers handed out as we arrived...all in good fun. We were all having a grand old time.
     People watching, I  noticed a 5 or 6 year old on an iphone watching something-or-other with wearing some cushy and cool headphones -- which made me notice other folks occupied with their electronics as well.
     My mind wondered to writing an article about the current preoccupation with electronics for this generation-- especially as a pacifier for young children. We need to be entertained while at an entertaining event??  Is it any wonder that our children have short attention spans-- they watch a piece of a video on the way to school, a piece of another on the way to the store, nothing complete and no time without electronics in their faces. The only electronics we had as kids were lightning bugs in a jar!  I understand the use of  entertainment devices on long trips...but even then, what ever happened to engaging in sing-alongs or counting cows? After all, we traveled as kids with nothing but a coloring book and eager eyes for a good game of "I Spy With My Little Eye......." ........
     My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a choo-choo train behind me. Right behind me. No biggie, the game had not started yet. By the conversation going on behind me in row I,  I surmised that it was small boy, his dad and HIS dad...or, grandpa with grandma next and then mom. Dad and grandpa were in charge of small boy. Small boy was not entertained by the baseball game and wanted to watch something on dad's phone.
     And then watch another game or video. . And another. Dad suggested that small boy might want to put the game away and watch the baseball game like he was. Small boy ( of course) said "no". Small boy continued with his electronics. He was entertained but I was not. But you know...it is what it is. I glanced back a few times and covered my left ear--- as my head was turned to the left to WATCH the game-- to muffle the sound ( and yes, to give a little subtle hint-hint).  At the beginning of the 7th inning, there was some seat switching and small boy wound up in dad's lap directly behind me which put the ipone within inches of my ear. The new game was even louder. So....yeah I did-- I turned and politely asked, "Would it be possible to turn down the volume?". The dad said yes...and I THOUGHT that was that.
      Seventh inning stretch. All is good. I didn't realize right away that the dad had taken small boy off somewhere. And then the guy from Row I seat 14 came back....quite stirred up now, apparently, because  over my shoulder ( not to my face) he proceeded to blast me...."THANKS for having patience with a 3 year old at a base ball game!". Heads turned our way from several rows. Caught off-guard, the only thing I could think to say was, " I asked only that the volume be turned down". Again I got , "THANKS for being patient with a THREE YEAR OLD at a base ball game!!" and he grabs his pack and walks away. All eyes still staring at me. Fun.
     Why are the "could have saids" so tardy? I COULD have said I love kids and have had patience as I raised 5 children of my own-- and never had one problem at this ball field with any of them or complaints from people around them EVER . I COULD have said, I have been teaching Parenting classes for 10 years and I would be glad to give him some pointers.
     But what I SHOULD have said ways "You are SO welcome!".  Because enduring videogames in the ear for 7 innings IS quite patient.
BE THE PARENT: Kids are kids ; be aware of the age appropriateness of  any event to which you take them. They don't want to be bored with what doesn't catch their attention any more than you want to constantly entertain them. If you need to use electronics-- be considerate and pack headphones so everyone enjoys the event!
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The Produce of Parenthood

     Walking into the family room, with an exasperated sigh, you stare at the array of toys that have been flung about and wonder if you will ever see your children actually pick up anything and put it away-- without being MADE to. You hear them in the next room yelling at the top of their lungs knowing they are creating more chaos and the thought that they would ever operate in peace is as far flung from your reality as the toys scattered before you.  It just doesn’t look good for the home team, and as the coach,you feel like a failure.

     With all the teaching and training that you do, all the time-outs and the extra choirs that you assign—you would think that you would see the good behavior and character that you were hoping for. That seems to be a fair expectation….after all, you are doing the right things and you expect right results. Right?

      And yet, somehow your experience and reality don’t line up with your expectations.

     Take heart! Just as it takes time for fruit trees to grow and mature before the fruit is produced, such is the way in raising children. We would like to think that we could guide and instruct and then presto-change-o, we would see perfect behavior manifest in our perfect, angelic children. Not so fast. There is a G-R-O-O-O-WING season that requires time to accomplish its good work.

     If you keep doing the next right thing, if you keep pouring into their little lives in a healthy and productive way, you WILL see responsibility demonstrated freely, you will hear love shared and you will experience unity as a family.  The changes will appear little by little and then more and more. As your children grow into young adults you will GO to a movie WITH your child…not just take him to a movie. You will talk WITH your maturing child not just at him. You will enjoy seeing your children morph into young adults….and your heart will be delighted.

     “I have to wait until they are ADULS to realize the fruits of my labor?” you shout.      Although you will witness seasons of growth in adolescence and that progress will be exciting....the basic answer to that question is -yes. You do the work and the nurturing as you lead them through their childhood---aka the growing years—and then you begin to remove yourself from the parenting role and enjoy the results of your years of dedication and diligence.

     My oldest son called me this weekend and offered to drive the hour out to my house to work on my “to do” list. Like I would say NO?!? He came out and fixed my fence, trimmed trees and covered up the pool—all things I can’t do myself. One of the best parts of that gift was that it came unsolicited!! It makes me happy when I get to go out with my adult daughters  and/or sons to dinner or a movie…and I truly enjoy their company as well as watching them in relationships with one another.

     Don’t give up or grow weary in your well doing. Being the parent can seem like such a thankless job as you work 24/7 —without seeing the fabulous end results. But please know there is a lot of internal work taking place while you are waiting for a peek at the yield. BE THE PARENT: Do the work and reap the bountiful harvest! 

From Fairy Princess to Fearless

      So, what IS a mother supposed to do when her baby gets married at 18 years of age and everything changes? I KNOW it was just yesterday that she was twirling around the house in her tutu with her pig-tails twisting in the effort. From white tulle tutu to white wedding chiffon...in the blink of an eye.
     Today, on her 19th birthday, as she has just gotten her first tattoo--- she paid me a wonderful compliment: "Thank you mom, I know you don't like tattoos but I'm glad you are the kind of mom that loves us even when you disagree. I love you". I sniff a little even as I re-type her text. I guess the more obvious statement would be: from tutu to tattoo in a heart wrenching moment.
      As hard as it is to let go and watch from the side-lines, it is rewarding to know that she and her siblings caught my effort to let them "be" and "do"--- and love them through it all. By the grace of God, I taught them Faith and  character; I  trained them in behavior and disciplines,  and they made their choices.
     My 5 children taught me a lot--- about myself and about who they were created to be. It was my job not to squish the authenticity out of them.
   I think I did ok. I always say that I have 5 wonderfully imperfect children. And I love them just the way they are. They have become the adults they were meant to be, sometimes by the hard way, but always with gusto and a command of the world around them. Currently 3 are in college while a 4th is preparing for grad school. The youngest was married in June the oldest will marry in December. THIS YEAR. Note to self: hair appointment to cover the gray tomorrow at noon.
     The happily-ever-after in our story is that they all approach life differently and have individual dreams and talents. The baby marrying first is a testimony to their independence.
     She just text a picture of her tattoo... "intrepid", she had me write the template for her. It is my handwriting on her arm. But it is my heart in her hand.
BE THE PARENT: Listen to your children: they will let you know who they want to be. With some teaching and training....you will guide them there!

Cleanup On Isle Three

         You fight the burning desire to look up to see who is watching your five-year-old have a melt down on isle 3-- knowing the judgment that will be evident on their faces. "You come over here lady and deal with this squealing monkey if you think you can do a better job"...is what you would like to say--- if you had enough nerve. But it would seem that Jr. just stepped on the last one you had. 

      Don't overcompensate to prove to the nosy grandma lingering over the shredded-wheat as if she really was experiencing a dilemma over which fiber  to buy --that you've got this. This isn't about you. It IS about your child. What you do next either works toward changing a behavior or reinforcing it. Pressure builds. What's a mother to do? Breathe. It really is the only thing you can do. Just take a moment and breathe. It is not the end of the world but it is part of the job and a hurdle to be sure. 

     Is all this REALLY about the Choc-O cereal or is it about the time of day? Have you asked too much of your child-- is he hungry? ready for a nap? Have you tried to squeeze a quick-run-into-the-store into an already difficult day? If so, count your loses and make your exit plan.  Deny the desire to just-give-him-the-cereal-so-he-will-shut-up-already. Resist the urge to yell or smack your child.  Tell Jr. that throwing himself on the floor is not acceptable-- in whatever phrases he understands--insist he stands up, take his hand and with as much dignity as you can muster-- walk out of the store.  A store employee will have been watching the kiddie-show and will get the groceries restocked. At this moment, the most important players are your child and you. There is no need to fuss at him about his bad behavior; just put him in his booster seat and drive home. Whatever you thought you had to have will have to be gotten later. 

      When the timing is bad, you can't expect your child to give you the behavior you desire if he doesn't have it in him.

     HOWEVER, if this is not a timing issue, but rather a behavior issue, use it as a teachable moment. With eye-to-eye contact ( and no regard to lingering granny) quietly explain  what is expected. When you get quiet your child has to get quiet to hear what you have to say-- just in case it is "YES you can have what you want". Tell Jr. he can either walk calmly with you or ride in the cart and that throwing a fit will not get him what he is crying for. Stand perfectly still until he contains himself. Yes, even if it takes a few minutes. You are investing in his future behavior here.  When he gets quiet, continue on with your shopping. Now, engage him in some positive conversation. Help him redeem himself and regain some self-control ( both of you). Ask him to point out where the milk is. When there are options--- raisins or applesauce-- let him make the choice. Praise his good behavior and helpfulness. What 5 year old WANTS to be dragged through the boring task of grocery shopping? If it is a big shopping trip, offer a reward for good behavior to be awarded when you are done.. Kind of like a paycheck at the end of the job. Remind him along the way that he is earning his reward by good behavior.

     Timing is everything. BE THE MOM: don't ask the impossible at an improbable time. Teach and train: set your child up for success and enjoy your time with him!
    

Believing is seeing...

     One of the best lines in The Santa Clause movie is , "Seeing isn't believing, Believing is seeing" -- isn't that true in many aspects of our lives? If we believe something -that is how we tend to see it. Take our children for instance; if we believe our children to be perfect little angels, that is all we tend to see ( often times to the chagrin of others). Conversely, if we see our child as a "devil child" ( I have heard more than one person say that of their child), THAT is all we see.
     The trouble with either or both of those scenarios is that we tend to feed what we believe. Little "angel" can walk from table to table at a restaurant -- disturbing others' dinner-- and angel's parents just think it is sooooo cute. Thus feeding the precociousness of said child rather than teaching and training about manners and boundaries.  Likewise, parents who only see the bad in their child, will miss great opportunities to praise him or her and reinforce good behavior because they are too busy yelling and smacking at the little "devil"
      You can guarantee that if the nursery worker at your church sees your little angel hording all the toys and taking what she wants from others...they aren't going to laugh it off as him or her being a little "organizer". . And if you keep stomping on your monster child, he or she will do all they can do to live up to that reputation and all the effort of his or  her school teacher to "do" anything with that child will be short lived because the teacher will believe what he or she sees too. Seeing will indeed be believing for those working with your children
     Maybe it is time for a vision exam.  You really have to be ready for this reality checkup-- ready to hear the truth and ready to act on it. Ask someone near and dear to you-- someone you can trust to tell the truth without sugar coating or being brutal-- to tell you what they see when they are with your kids. Especially if you think you are SURE you know the answer!! This kind of hard truth can be life altering....for you and your child. But how much better to make parenting adjustments now to see more clearly what your child's behavior is telling you-- rather than dealing with major issues and regrets later!
     Great adults start-out as kids with imperfect parents willing to do what it takes...believing that their children will grow into kind & caring, productive, happy adults while seeing them for what they are- kids who need the help of parents to get there!
     Be the parent! Do the hard stuff like looking at your children with clear vision and loving them enough to do the work it takes to teach them and train them to be the adults that you want them to be!

Finding Success in Failure!

     We love our children like crazy...and we would do anything for them. We feed and clothe them, hug and love them and watch with pride as they grow. We run to catch them as they learn to walk, learn to ride a bicycle without training wheels or when they climb up on a chair. Heck, we would put them in bubble wrap if we could to protect them. Yup, we love them THAT much!
     But what happens when we are not there? Who will help them when they fall if they can't help themselves? So, that poses the question...how do you teach your children to fall, lose or even fail?
     "Uhhh", you say? "Why would I want to see any of those things happen to MY child?" Because, my dear, that is where the real learning takes place.
     Think about it. The best lesson you learned is when you lost that job because you were sneaking fries or when you called in sick and then were spotted at the concert. Your momma told you all day long to be honest, to tell the truth, however, sadly, it is the lesson learned the hard way that you most remember. Does it HAVE to be that way? No. But often times our imperfections...or our inflated self-image telling us that "no one will notice or care" get the better of us---- especially if we were raised in a "you can do anything you want" environment. It would be a parent's dream-come-true if ALL lessons were learned by simple instruction...rather than by life experiences.
     In order to be a good winner you have to be a good loser. Who is going to teach your child not to gloat or throw a fit.... to win AND lose graciously....if not for  you. We can not manipulate the circumstances of our children's lives to make everything fair and perfect....and then expect that as teenagers they understand the trials and tribulations of a less than perfect, and most certainly un-fair, world. It isn't fair when someone else gets the promotion that you think you deserve...and if all they know is being a sore loser and quitting when the going gets tough..... will they quickly quit the job?? What about later, will they quit college...their marriage?
     I have known parents who would have an all-out melt down if their child's play-date was cancelled. Oh no, WHAT were they going to do? After-all...they didn't want their precious child to be DISAPPOINTED! ARGH! So they would scramble to make it to ChuckECheese or a movie so that there would be no sad faces.
     Cry me a river! Teach your child that there will be times when things don't work out as planned and help them  make choices NOT to be disarmed by them!
     Am I advocating that we tell our children that life is tough....get a helmet? No! I am merely saying that as much as we teach them to say "please" and "thank-you", we should also include teaching them how to roll with the punches.
     Be the Parent and love them into being healthy individuals with good self-images by teaching them that there is a lot to learn in a mistake, in a lost job, in a missed opportunity and even in failure. Help them to be proud of themselves for not only making it through a difficult circumstance......but also for making better choices next time.

Shopping With The Kids.

     IS it unreasonable to expect to be able to grocery shop with 5 children?? THAT conjures up a chaotic picture doesn't it? Lets face it, we have seen our share of haggard moms trying to get through the grocery store with a few of the things on her list while her kids were running up and down the isles grabbing and throwing things, arguing with each other or whining "but I WANT that cereal..." while mom seems oblivious to it all.
     Does it have to be like that? No. But if you are expecting your children to automatically know how to behave in the grocery store or any situation... you are in for a rude awakening!! That would be the same as you being dropped off in a foreign country with the expectation that you will just KNOW their customs and how to navigate their city streets. Can you say FRUSTRATION?
     Whether you have 2 children, 5 children or more, you CAN take them to a store and accomplish your intended agenda....but it will take some work to get there.
     There are many things to consider when you load your brood up and head for the store....do NOT take your children if they are tired and hungry....you don't enjoy being dragged around when you are hungry and tired...do you? Pick a time when you will have your greatest success....you KNOW your kids.
     Next... make short trips. Go to the grocery store with low expectations about what you will purchase and high expectations about teaching and training your children. Make SURE they are aware of what you expect before you enter the doors: you expect them to use their inside voices, stay close by you, keep their hands to themselves and not to ask for anything that is not on the list-- and if they behave there will be a reward at the end. But be prepared to leave the grocery cart, suffer your embarrassment and leave the store if your children misbehave. They need to know you mean what you say.
     Do short trips a few times....praise good behavior and coach them about what they need to do better next time.
     NOW, for the all-out I-have-to-take-the-kids-with-me grocery trip. Again, make sure it is good timing -- the kids have been fed and are not ready for nap. Be sure you have a list with you, otherwise you can get lost in the process of trying to remember what you need and forget to keep an eye on your kids. Here comes the fun part....involve your kids in the process. It is BORING to walk up and down grocery isles for an hour or so.. I would get cranky if I had nothing to DO. Age appropriately....let one child hold the coupons, ask others to locate products you name ( cereal, vegetables...etc), smaller children can be asked to point out products that are a certain color or have an animal on them ( whatever game you create to keep them happy). Well, you get the picture. Older children can be given a part of the list and a cart to do part of the shopping on their own. Reward good behavior with a treat at the end.....and meet bad behavior with a consequence ( once they have been taught and trained and KNOW what is expected of them of course).
    It seems like a lot of work doesn't it?  And the easier thing to do would be to leave your children at home with an adult or babysitter....but would they be prepared in case you HAD to take them?
     The more time you take to teach and train your children, the greater the success for you all and the more positive times you will have with them as you journey out into this busy world!
BE THE MOM: Teach and train for success!

Who Are You Calling Strong Willed?

      What do you call a strong willed child? Well, some people call them difficult, willful,spirited and disruptive. We just call them ..OURS!
     Recently, I spoke to a group of moms about Discipline and The Strong Willed Child. Whew, what a topic. But I guess it takes one to know one...."strong will"  runs in my family. The trick is using the character traits of a strong willed child for good and not evil!
     Is a strong willed child birthed or created? The common consensus is - BOTH! The way a child is wired, the way he learns and sees the world shapes how he will respond to what is going on around him. Strong willed children are smart and often believe that justice should reign...even in an unjust world. They work hard to get the pieces to fit but are not usually tactful about any perceived injustice they experience. Thus the label "difficult". We, however, can cause a child to become strong willed if we are controlling and demanding; some children don't take kindly to being yelled at!
     The strong willed child may look at you and say, " You can't MAKE me!", but he CAN be persuaded. Lets look at it this way: a compliant child may respond positively to a simple request to take cookies to her grandma while the exact same request may make a strong willed child balk. But if you say to your swc," would you please take these cookies to grandma because she fell and would really appreicate them"...THEN he will do what you have asked him to do....most of the time :-).
     Intense, persistent, sensitive, ridgid and energetic may describe strong willed people, but also describes good leaders and those who are willing to fight for their rights and the rights of others. If you can help the swc understand that he doesn't have to be controlling and domineering, he can become a good leader.
     I would like to tell you that the formula for disciplining a strong willed child is 2 time outs and 3 early to beds...and viola, he becomes compliant. Wouldn't THAT be lovely! After you stop laughing, remember that how you approach your child may determine how effective your discipline is. If you are strong willed --know when to back down and back off because a stand-off means no one gets what he wants and yelling means you have lost control-- of yourself. You can not teach self-control without demonstrating it. Pick your battles, be firm but fair, stay focused ( do NOT let the swc get you off track!) and give choices. Strong willed children are from the school of hard knocks, they would rather experience than listen. The best form of training is cause and effect: "if you want to ride your bike, you MUST wear your helmet-- no helmet, no bike"; "if you push to get up front, you will be moved to the back of the line",etc. The best forms of discipline * remove the child from the disruption ( if he is causing an argument, send him to time out)  but if he is throwing a fit, *remove yourself from his presence; * find the currency  that motivates your child and use it as leverage ( "you won't clean up your room? No beloved X-box until you do"); and finally, *make it clear! Anything you want him to do or not to do has to be clear and if you say there will be a consequence, you better make it happen. He HAS to believe you or all is lost. There is a lot of love in a NO!
    Raising a strong willed child takes work, but that work in the early years provides great dividends as he grows up. My oldest swc hiked the Appalachian Trail ( I think because someone told him it couldn't be done) and is proud of his accomplishment. Three of my other children are working their way through college...determined to get it done-- no matter what! They have had great adventures - including out of country mission trips and are good leaders We sometimes have too many cooks in the kitchen, so to speak, but we really enjoy being together and know that we have each others back!

Tis The Season To Be Frazzled, Fa La La La La La, lalalala

     In what universe did we have FREE time that we can now fill with Christmas shopping? I have always had a deep respect for full-time moms, but I have a new found respect for women who work full time, go home to take care of children and household AND pull off a magical Christmas! Lets face it, at the end of any one's day.....there is little or no energy to trudge through the crowded stores to score the perfect gift~ or crank up the ovens to create Christmas confections! So, what is a woman to do??
     For most it is too late to do a little shopping here and a little shopping there to be done by the 1st of December- then having Dec to just enjoy the Holiday activities- wouldn't THAT be Joyful! But it is not too late to let your fingers do the walking through the web pages! I have found that many companies are still offering free shipping and when you stack that with on-line coupons...there are some deals to be had. Shopping from the couch in your jammies will make the savings and/or convenience even sweeter. If you are apprehensive about ordering online, stick with the larger companies you recognize and places like Amazon or Overstock.com.
     Hitting the malls? To keep your sanity, I would also suggest NOT TAKING YOUR CHILDREN out shopping with you. Make a plan... organize a day when grandparents keep the kids so you and hubs can fight through the crowds and knock that list out together~ which should include a nice dinner I might add. Single mom? Make arrangements with gal-pals to swap child care and go out shopping with another friend ( having someone to talk through purchases with can make your time more productive and lessen impulse buying).
     If you are like me, you may not have large sums of money at one time and have to shop week to week. Follow the same game plan~on line shopping and/or have someone watch the kids while you shop with a friend and a LIST!
     Short on cash ( still looking for the universe where there is extra money too!)? The year before last my family declared that all gifts had to come from GoodWill, McKays ( used book store) or any other second-hand store. It was one of the best Christmases we have EVER had! Siblings found classic Disney CDs in a gift set for a sister who loves the music from old Disney movies. We found great books on CDs for Uncles who are on the road a lot, great classic DVD Movies, some beautiful ceramic kitchen serving dishes that matched an Aunt's kitchen perfectly, and fabulous linen napkins for a family member who is going "green". Where there is a will to hunt there is a way to shop and still give gifts during this season of celebrating the Birthday of Jesus!
     And do not forget the joy home baked goods bring to harried people who do not have time to bake for themselves ( I have a sister-in-law that bakes fudge pies for the men in the family every year and woe-be-it-unto-her if she should try to show up at the family Christmas gathering without them!)....there are some cute plates or containers at the dollar store that can make the gift even more festive.
     Ms Cheap had a great article in the Sunday Tennessean rekindling the practice of giving coupons as gifts to one another. Wouldn’t YOU be thrilled to get a coupon for free babysitting, a day of cleaning your house or yard, or a dinner delivered to your door? The people on your list feel the same...the promise of a special night out with just mom and/or dad is a THRILL for children beyond compare!
     Keep it simple and remember it is not about finding the PERFECT gift ( if one does exist) it IS about the people. Your kids really do want fun time with you making Gingerbread houses more than the gift that will be broken or forgotten before next Christmas rolls around. I have NEVER heard anyone complain when given a gift of any kind because it really is the thought that counts. Being remembered and blessed by family and friends recharges our Joy and declares the Love we have for one another.
    All of this is to say, the only way to enjoy the Christmas season with your children is to get your frustrations with the WORK that goes along with the holidays under control by making a plan and executing it.
     Merry Christmas! Be the Mom~ Shop without them and then sing with your kids and enjoy the sights, sounds and tastes of Christmas together. Share the Joy!

Do You Know Where Your Children Are?

     More often than not, the question...."do you know where your children are"  is directed toward parents of teens. But I would toss that question out to all parents. "WHAT?" You say..."how can anyone not know where their young children are?"  And the answer would be...you would be surprised!
     I recently talked with a life guard who works year-round at a local swim club. I asked him if he had ever had to save a life and he had a few stories to share.  His stories of heroism seemed to have a theme....he had to jump in and save children who were unsupervised, children who were more or less left for the guards to tend. For example: one parent had walked away leaving a 3 year old in a float while she went to the sauna. This young life guard had to turn the child right-side-up after she had flipped over because no adult was with her. Other children found themselves in water over their head because their mothers were more interested in sun bathing than in the whereabouts of their child.
      My pet peeve is watching parents walk with purpose to accomplish their own agenda while their children...even toddlers.... follow behind like little ducklings in a PARKING LOT! Small children can not be seen by drivers backing out of a parking space....they NEED the watchful eyes of their parents.
     Have we become so fixated on our own importance and needs ~ not to mention our cell phones~ that we have forgotten our JOBS as parents? Have we imposed our parental duties on life guards and expected THEM to babysit our children? Have we asked the same of movie ushers, people who work at the mall or in play areas at restaurants?
     Our children need our eyes, ears and wisdom to help them grow and become the wonderful adults we envision. Please do not think that I am saying that every accident a child suffers through is the parent's fault through negligence. Accidents DO happen. My encouragement is for parents to check in and be present with their children.
    Take if from an almost empty-nester, the years go by WAY too fast. You may not believe it right now, but before long you are going to be longing for opportunities to have conversations with your children. 
     When they were young, there were no video players mysteriously dropping from the ceiling of the car to entertain my children ( yes, I am THAT old), all they had was me. We sang silly songs, and the kids learned how to count by counting cows or cars and they learned their colors and letters from road signs. (I have wondered recently if our children will be directionally challenged and lack the skills to read  maps because they are constantly watching movies while riding in the car and the parents depend on the GPS to get them where they want to go. Just a thought.)
    You may get your hair wet when the kids are splashing in the pool, but the smiles you share while your young child is leaning how to swim will be memories you keep in your heart  looong after your  suntan fades. And you might just try skipping as you hold your child's hand as you maneuver through the parking lot. Our children deserve our attention and care as well as our encouragement and protection.
     Remember, you have a captive audience when you are driving down the road in your min-van or SUV. Your kids may moan when you sing to the oldies-but-goodies, but before long they will join in and giggle along.
     Tune in, connect and share the joy.
     Be the Parent: Be present.

Where have all the Parents gone?

One of my daughters went to StarBucks for coffee with a friend last night , they we enjoying a conversation in the comfy chairs when a young couple came in with their 2 children. As the parents ordered their double-shot skinny Mocha Lattes the  kids did what kids are naturally drawn to do...they went over to see the nice ladies.  The 4 year old boy started with  "watch me, watch me!" as he put his hands on two chairs swinging himself back and forth -shoving the chair my daughter was sitting in  to get a better swinging field - while his sister leaned over the arm of the big chair putting herself between my daughter and her friend. All the while the parent's just smiled. At one point they cautioned the children not to bump and spill the ladies' coffee...but that was all the parenting that was done. This couple thought their little entertainers were in StarBucks to share their time and talents with the customers- the customers where not of the same mind.
It amazes me how oblivious parents can be to their impact on society....good and bad. Little Princess standing on the table belting out " The sun will come out to-mah-wow...." may be all fun and games at your family reunion...but not so much at the local eatery ( unless she is American Idol- show stopping worthy). And I am sorry, but I am NOT amused when your little man comes over to my table and asks if he can have a bite of my sandwich. You laugh, but you have seen it happen.
This is a wake up call to parents far and wide....look around you, look closely at the faces of the other patrons in the restaurant/ coffee house/ store and see if they are smiling or smirking. If their eyes are begging for rescue...coral your little munchkins and remember the personal space rules.
Just because you feel relief being out of the house and finding someone else to whom your son can yell "watch me, watch ME" doesn't give you the right to abdicate your parenting role and turn off your conscience connection to the rules of polite society. It does matter, it isn't cute and and I want my personal space back.
On the flip side of this tirade.... keep putting  your little girl's hair in those little palm-tree pigtails....they really do make us smile and when your little guy tries to hold the door open for us it makes our day. I make it a point to compliment  kids when they are at the grocery store ( or out in public) behaving nicely ( yes, I am one of THOSE women)...I think it is smart to reward good behavior and  a mom should get an atta-boy when she has taught her kids not to go buck-wild.  We, the other diners at the restaurant, understand if your little guy has to get up from the table because he just can't sit any longer...just keep him by your table...don't let him ruin the meal for people at other tables. And if your little girl plays peek-a-boo over the back of the booth, while it may be cute at first...know that the people in the other booth will grow tired of it quickly ...so put a stop to the game. And PLEASE, if you are in church, at a movie or listening to a speaker....if your child starts to make noise.....happy OR sad noise..., forgo the entertainment for the sake of the other people present and remove your child from the room.
I know you are tired and I KNOW parenting 24/7 is hard...but think about what you are teaching your children - if there are no boundaries, they can not learn self-control.
 It is all about inhabiting the same space in peace.
Be the Parent: Be Aware!

New Look

It can be fun to make changes, I enjoyed making changes to this blog page. We like making changes to our hair, make-up and nails, we spruce up our homes with new paint and wall-paper, and may even trade the old car for a newer model.
Some kids find comfort in familiarity and balk at any changes. We know the kids who can NOT sleep without a certain blanket or stuffed animal and will insist that you say goodnight to ALL his dinosaurs on the shelf- in order- ....and will not let you get away with skipping just one ( no matter how tired and desperate you are to get into your own bed). Many kids become agitated and cranky when routines are changed and may resist sleeping in the Pack-N-Play at Grandma's house, no matter how much you WISH they would just lay down and go to sleep.
Whats a mother to do? Do all you can (within reason) to make your child feel safe and secure. Remember that it won't be like this forever, things will right themselves before he or she is ready to go off to college.
There are those kids who like to make changes too~~ little Susie wants to be a princess and insists on being called Cinderella ....she will answer to nothing else. But you may notice that that is as far as the change goes and Cinderella will ONLY where one dress....day and night. This has become her new comfort zone and coaxing her to wear shorts and T shirt to go out for dinner will do you no good.
So the question is : do you force her to wear something other than the princess dress and answer to her real name?
I am no child psychologist but past experience is an excellent teacher and my encouragement is to remember that this too shall pass. Preserve relationship and celebrate your child's unique personality...so what if some old biddy raises her eyebrow at you in a public place? If your child is happy and no harm is being done....perhaps there is a tiara you can wear to be a part of Cinderella's court!
We recently had a bowling party for one of my siblings. My sister-in-law showed up with my 6 year old niece who was wearing a blue flowered sundress over a red and white baseball shirt, along with black footless tights and black dress shoes. I was so excited to see that my sister-in-law had not let any embarrassment keep her from allowing her daughter to express her independence and individuality! I was congratulating her when she explained to me that going out in public was nothing...the hard part was learning that it had been picture day at school! ARGH! But the truth is that day came and went and there will be some interesting pictures to add to the baby book.
Your child will let you know if change is good~ listen~ your child is telling you something!

Follow the Leader

I was recently reminded about how animals, especially ducklings and chicks, follow the first thing they see move after they have hatched. It is called Imprinting.... much study has gone into the whys and wherefores of it all. All I know is that when one of my brothers was a teenager a girlfriend gave him a purple chick for Easter and that little fluffy thing followed him around like he was the chicks mother. Back and forth they went through the house.....my football playing brother with a purple chick at his heels. It really was quite funny!
You have probably noticed with your own children that they learn what they see modeled in front of them. We can work with them all day long to say please and thank-you. We remind and they practice...but they usually need prompting again and again to use it at the right time. But you let go of ONE good #@&% and your child will repeat it, with accuracy and perfect enunciation, under similar circumstances with witnesses. For example, if you get frustrated behind someone who is blocking your way in traffic and finally just shout out a #+@& in anger... sure enough, while your child is trying to get past someone in the isle at church, that little munchkin will let out a great big #+@& just like mom or dad- accurate the first time!
My point? We teach and train but kids follow what they witness and live. It is ridiculous to yell at our children and yet expect that they won't yell at their siblings or other kids--- or back at YOU! If we are couch potatoes, they will be couch potatoes; if we eat junk food, they will eat junk food; if we show kindness to other people, they will show kindness...and so on and so forth. You get the picture. As my dear old mom used to say, "you don't get pears from an apple tree". We produce what we are.
So, what's a mother to do? Decide what type of adult you want your child to grow up to be....and BE THAT. If you want honest children...don't lie ( like telling your husband to say you aren't at home to the person on the phone-- with your child standing right there!), if you want your child to like getting an education, show the love of reading and learning in your home, if you want your children to eat healthy foods...let them see you eating healthy foods and then serve the good stuff at family meals.
Be the role model your children need, be the person you want your children to be!

Olly Olly oxen free!

The air is cool for a July night and what a good time to be outside with your children! "Too much to get done"- you say? Nights like this sing to the child in you -- can Susie come out and play? There are fireflies to catch and neighborhoods to walk. Can you hear the swings at the park calling to one another underneath the street lights- forlorn that they have been forgotten?
Shake things up a bit, surprise your children...do something the child in you would be delighted with. The return on your investment will be lots of smiles and laughter-- not only from your children but also from you!
So often we get in the rut of telling the kids to straighten up and act right, clean up and do their homework that we may not realize that we have not connected with them on any other level than authoritarian. Those things do in deed have to get done- but at the cost of all fun and humor?
As adults we don't like our only connections with people we care about to come by way of orders, our children don't like it much either. I AM all about being the mom, but not just the "director" mom, there is a happy mom in there just dieing to get out too!
How about building great memories tonight....sit on the front porch and eat ice cream, or walk the neighborhood and share favorite memories. Better yet, go to the park ( if it is safe) and play imaginary base ball and when you hit your home-run, run all the bases and make crowd cheering noises! You won't regret it!
Be the mom: have fun with your kids.

The heart of a Mom.

Having children not only stretched my skin, it stretched my heart as well. I remember falling in love with my first child and the depth of it shocked me. When I became pregnant with my second child I had a panic attack wondering how in the world I was ever going to love this baby as much as I did my first. At some point, I really wondered just what I had gotten myself in to!!! You probably felt the same way too. And no matter how many friends said it would be fine..I would love them both, I just couldn't wrap my mind around it.
Then, WHAM, it happened.....my second darling was born and my heart stretched. Right there in front of God and everybody...it just happened, with no effort from me, I might add. Now, five children later, I have a heart the size of Kansas and the stretchmarks to prove it. ARGH!
Now, instead of staying up nights rocking babies, I stay awake waiting to hear them come in...THEN I can fall asleep. I don't care how old they get, they still carry a piece of my heart with them and nothing makes me happier than to have all the pieces at home at one time. That's when the heart swells so much my face leaks.
On this Mother's Day I reflect on the first flower I ever received from my son--- a slightly smushed dandelion, delivered in a chubby little hand with love and only the flowers from the rest of the kids can compare.
Happy Mother's Day!! BE THE MOM!!

This means WAR!

What part of this war did you think was going to be easy?

In this express-paced my-day-is-set-to-a-sound-track world our children are growing up in, there is a mega war going on for their attention as well as their self-image. Every day society is vying for our children's attention to persuade them to change or conform to an advertised image while we spend our time teaching our children our values as we work toward shaping their character. Christians use the Bible as their moral compass and guide, other religions use other guidelines...but we have our own set ideas and desires for the outcome~ raising compassionate adults who are productive in society - an asset rather than a burden- aware of their purpose in the world with the gumption to make things happen while being self-satisfied.

Did you ever expect to see TVs and dvd players in our cars? Why, when we were kids, we counted cows and liked it! But that is a whole 'nother rabbit trail! The point is ( yes, there IS a point) that daily, almost no matter where they are, our children are being not just influenced by, but assaulted with, ideas, images and heavy suggestions that they are not who they SHOULD be. On television- not just the commercials but also the character identification- in restaurants, in school, in the bathroom stall for that matter, while riding down the road- both roadside ads and radio , practically everywhere they look there is some ad or message to tell them what they have, do, need, or look like needs to be different if they are to be satisfied with their lives.

According to Jean Kilbourne, who has been studying ads' cultural impact for almost 20 years in an interview by Nan Knutsen:"....advertising's influence is cumulative and primarily unconscious. The less consciously we watch ads, the more deeply we are affected. The average American is exposed to more than 3000 ads a day, and companies spend over $200 billion each year on advertising." 200 BILLION dollars. Wow. I have had people tell me that advertising doesn't effect them. My thought is that it does influence us, otherwise the money wouldn't be spent in the trying. Who among us can't sing a jingle from ages ago? The messages are that we are not cool enough, tall enough, pretty enough, successful enough to be a an acceptable person, therefore we must ascribe to xyz to attain satisfaction.

So, what are our children learning? The next time little-boy throws a fit in the grocery store for some sugary sweet cereal, look beyond the taste buds to the message that cereal carries for him-- that he will only have fun and adventures if he eats that box of cereal. The next time little-girl acts out in the store to get the super short shirt to go with the micro-mini skirt, ask yourself if the message she has received is that she will only be accepted by the other girls as a worthy person if she dresses just like they do, OR that the boys will only pay attention if she follows the cool fashions- and, after-all, if boys don't notice us we have no value - do we?
What is a parent to do? Fight the good fight! Do not sit passively by and let this war rage for your child's self-image and esteem. Yes, parenting is hard. Yes, this war is difficult because this war is not age discriminatory and never ends. But if you are not counteracting this campaign, who will?

Let you children know that is not "stuff" that defines them. Some of you laugh at that because you are already ahead of the game, but haven't we all met people who, as adults, still don't get this message?

Self-satisfied people who know their own value raise children who know the same about themselves.
Be the parent: dispel the lies!

Momnesia

I know I had a blueberry muffin in my hand just a minute ago. I had it when I answered the phone- I remember because I wanted to take a bite when Sue asked me a question. But then as I was walking down the hall I noticed that the washing machine had stopped so I put the wet clothes in the dryer. The hammer that was on the dryer needed to go back to the tool box and while on my way to the garage I noticed that the cats needed to be fed. I MAY have had the hammer and muffin in my hand at the same time...but I am not sure. I KNOW I did not have it when I changed the baby's wet diaper and picked up the toys in his room. I was on my way back to the kitchen when Jane needed help finding her shoes and I discovered that her closet floor was a disaster! Closet cleaned....and I am hungry---now, where IS that muffin?
You are laughing, but you have had mornings just like this one.
Is there a cure for momnesia, not really. Perhaps the more organized you are the less you suffer from the condition. But if you have small children you know that the best plans and schedules are temporary and subject to change- on a moments notice.
If you have kids you have "situations", like dirty diapers, when you are trying to get everyone in the car to take sister to school that upset the time schedule. Or, lost ____( you fill in the blank: shoes, keys, blankie, pacifier...) that side track you from the direction you were heading. How about the creative moments-- little-one decides that butt paste is not just for butts anymore, even if the cat doesn't need it; Jr. discovers that jello looks pretty on baby sister's head or my favorite- after you have all the children dressed for church, the youngest winds up with lotion in her hair and on her dress.....the only clean dress that fits. ARGH!
What's a mom with momnesia supposed to do? Learn to laugh at the situation. The way I see it, you can loose it and make the moments worse, or you can take a deep breath, look at the bright side ( there is ALWAYS a bright side), deal with what IS ( the reality that you will be late for where you are going and everyone WILL be OK) and do the best you can.
Where was that muffin? In the freezer from when I took the chicken out to defrost for dinner. The bright side? At least the dog didn't eat it.
Be the cool, calm Mom - look at the bright side!