To the guy in row I seat 14 at the baseball game: REALLY?

   

A comfortable night with a slight breeze, pitchers warming up, vendors hawking peanuts and people, happy for the reprieve from the heat, all a buzz on the long holiday weekend;  it was a great evening to watch a baseball game!  A family friendly event,  kids were excited to be out at the ball field  --some not really sure what all the hub-bub was about , but certainly happy with all the popcorn and cotton candy being passed their way and  some wearing their ball gloves in hopes of catching a foul ball.  A cute  little girl with pigtails was thrilled with her mascot OZZIE stuffed toy while other kids were exuberantly bopping each other, their parents and anyone sitting within reach with the blow-up boppers handed out as we arrived...all in good fun. We were all having a grand old time.
     People watching, I  noticed a 5 or 6 year old on an iphone watching something-or-other with wearing some cushy and cool headphones -- which made me notice other folks occupied with their electronics as well.
     My mind wondered to writing an article about the current preoccupation with electronics for this generation-- especially as a pacifier for young children. We need to be entertained while at an entertaining event??  Is it any wonder that our children have short attention spans-- they watch a piece of a video on the way to school, a piece of another on the way to the store, nothing complete and no time without electronics in their faces. The only electronics we had as kids were lightning bugs in a jar!  I understand the use of  entertainment devices on long trips...but even then, what ever happened to engaging in sing-alongs or counting cows? After all, we traveled as kids with nothing but a coloring book and eager eyes for a good game of "I Spy With My Little Eye......." ........
     My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a choo-choo train behind me. Right behind me. No biggie, the game had not started yet. By the conversation going on behind me in row I,  I surmised that it was small boy, his dad and HIS dad...or, grandpa with grandma next and then mom. Dad and grandpa were in charge of small boy. Small boy was not entertained by the baseball game and wanted to watch something on dad's phone.
     And then watch another game or video. . And another. Dad suggested that small boy might want to put the game away and watch the baseball game like he was. Small boy ( of course) said "no". Small boy continued with his electronics. He was entertained but I was not. But you know...it is what it is. I glanced back a few times and covered my left ear--- as my head was turned to the left to WATCH the game-- to muffle the sound ( and yes, to give a little subtle hint-hint).  At the beginning of the 7th inning, there was some seat switching and small boy wound up in dad's lap directly behind me which put the ipone within inches of my ear. The new game was even louder. So....yeah I did-- I turned and politely asked, "Would it be possible to turn down the volume?". The dad said yes...and I THOUGHT that was that.
      Seventh inning stretch. All is good. I didn't realize right away that the dad had taken small boy off somewhere. And then the guy from Row I seat 14 came back....quite stirred up now, apparently, because  over my shoulder ( not to my face) he proceeded to blast me...."THANKS for having patience with a 3 year old at a base ball game!". Heads turned our way from several rows. Caught off-guard, the only thing I could think to say was, " I asked only that the volume be turned down". Again I got , "THANKS for being patient with a THREE YEAR OLD at a base ball game!!" and he grabs his pack and walks away. All eyes still staring at me. Fun.
     Why are the "could have saids" so tardy? I COULD have said I love kids and have had patience as I raised 5 children of my own-- and never had one problem at this ball field with any of them or complaints from people around them EVER . I COULD have said, I have been teaching Parenting classes for 10 years and I would be glad to give him some pointers.
     But what I SHOULD have said ways "You are SO welcome!".  Because enduring videogames in the ear for 7 innings IS quite patient.
BE THE PARENT: Kids are kids ; be aware of the age appropriateness of  any event to which you take them. They don't want to be bored with what doesn't catch their attention any more than you want to constantly entertain them. If you need to use electronics-- be considerate and pack headphones so everyone enjoys the event!
https://www.facebook.com/BeTheMom2

The Produce of Parenthood

     Walking into the family room, with an exasperated sigh, you stare at the array of toys that have been flung about and wonder if you will ever see your children actually pick up anything and put it away-- without being MADE to. You hear them in the next room yelling at the top of their lungs knowing they are creating more chaos and the thought that they would ever operate in peace is as far flung from your reality as the toys scattered before you.  It just doesn’t look good for the home team, and as the coach,you feel like a failure.

     With all the teaching and training that you do, all the time-outs and the extra choirs that you assign—you would think that you would see the good behavior and character that you were hoping for. That seems to be a fair expectation….after all, you are doing the right things and you expect right results. Right?

      And yet, somehow your experience and reality don’t line up with your expectations.

     Take heart! Just as it takes time for fruit trees to grow and mature before the fruit is produced, such is the way in raising children. We would like to think that we could guide and instruct and then presto-change-o, we would see perfect behavior manifest in our perfect, angelic children. Not so fast. There is a G-R-O-O-O-WING season that requires time to accomplish its good work.

     If you keep doing the next right thing, if you keep pouring into their little lives in a healthy and productive way, you WILL see responsibility demonstrated freely, you will hear love shared and you will experience unity as a family.  The changes will appear little by little and then more and more. As your children grow into young adults you will GO to a movie WITH your child…not just take him to a movie. You will talk WITH your maturing child not just at him. You will enjoy seeing your children morph into young adults….and your heart will be delighted.

     “I have to wait until they are ADULS to realize the fruits of my labor?” you shout.      Although you will witness seasons of growth in adolescence and that progress will be exciting....the basic answer to that question is -yes. You do the work and the nurturing as you lead them through their childhood---aka the growing years—and then you begin to remove yourself from the parenting role and enjoy the results of your years of dedication and diligence.

     My oldest son called me this weekend and offered to drive the hour out to my house to work on my “to do” list. Like I would say NO?!? He came out and fixed my fence, trimmed trees and covered up the pool—all things I can’t do myself. One of the best parts of that gift was that it came unsolicited!! It makes me happy when I get to go out with my adult daughters  and/or sons to dinner or a movie…and I truly enjoy their company as well as watching them in relationships with one another.

     Don’t give up or grow weary in your well doing. Being the parent can seem like such a thankless job as you work 24/7 —without seeing the fabulous end results. But please know there is a lot of internal work taking place while you are waiting for a peek at the yield. BE THE PARENT: Do the work and reap the bountiful harvest! 

From Fairy Princess to Fearless

      So, what IS a mother supposed to do when her baby gets married at 18 years of age and everything changes? I KNOW it was just yesterday that she was twirling around the house in her tutu with her pig-tails twisting in the effort. From white tulle tutu to white wedding chiffon...in the blink of an eye.
     Today, on her 19th birthday, as she has just gotten her first tattoo--- she paid me a wonderful compliment: "Thank you mom, I know you don't like tattoos but I'm glad you are the kind of mom that loves us even when you disagree. I love you". I sniff a little even as I re-type her text. I guess the more obvious statement would be: from tutu to tattoo in a heart wrenching moment.
      As hard as it is to let go and watch from the side-lines, it is rewarding to know that she and her siblings caught my effort to let them "be" and "do"--- and love them through it all. By the grace of God, I taught them Faith and  character; I  trained them in behavior and disciplines,  and they made their choices.
     My 5 children taught me a lot--- about myself and about who they were created to be. It was my job not to squish the authenticity out of them.
   I think I did ok. I always say that I have 5 wonderfully imperfect children. And I love them just the way they are. They have become the adults they were meant to be, sometimes by the hard way, but always with gusto and a command of the world around them. Currently 3 are in college while a 4th is preparing for grad school. The youngest was married in June the oldest will marry in December. THIS YEAR. Note to self: hair appointment to cover the gray tomorrow at noon.
     The happily-ever-after in our story is that they all approach life differently and have individual dreams and talents. The baby marrying first is a testimony to their independence.
     She just text a picture of her tattoo... "intrepid", she had me write the template for her. It is my handwriting on her arm. But it is my heart in her hand.
BE THE PARENT: Listen to your children: they will let you know who they want to be. With some teaching and training....you will guide them there!

Cleanup On Isle Three

         You fight the burning desire to look up to see who is watching your five-year-old have a melt down on isle 3-- knowing the judgment that will be evident on their faces. "You come over here lady and deal with this squealing monkey if you think you can do a better job"...is what you would like to say--- if you had enough nerve. But it would seem that Jr. just stepped on the last one you had. 

      Don't overcompensate to prove to the nosy grandma lingering over the shredded-wheat as if she really was experiencing a dilemma over which fiber  to buy --that you've got this. This isn't about you. It IS about your child. What you do next either works toward changing a behavior or reinforcing it. Pressure builds. What's a mother to do? Breathe. It really is the only thing you can do. Just take a moment and breathe. It is not the end of the world but it is part of the job and a hurdle to be sure. 

     Is all this REALLY about the Choc-O cereal or is it about the time of day? Have you asked too much of your child-- is he hungry? ready for a nap? Have you tried to squeeze a quick-run-into-the-store into an already difficult day? If so, count your loses and make your exit plan.  Deny the desire to just-give-him-the-cereal-so-he-will-shut-up-already. Resist the urge to yell or smack your child.  Tell Jr. that throwing himself on the floor is not acceptable-- in whatever phrases he understands--insist he stands up, take his hand and with as much dignity as you can muster-- walk out of the store.  A store employee will have been watching the kiddie-show and will get the groceries restocked. At this moment, the most important players are your child and you. There is no need to fuss at him about his bad behavior; just put him in his booster seat and drive home. Whatever you thought you had to have will have to be gotten later. 

      When the timing is bad, you can't expect your child to give you the behavior you desire if he doesn't have it in him.

     HOWEVER, if this is not a timing issue, but rather a behavior issue, use it as a teachable moment. With eye-to-eye contact ( and no regard to lingering granny) quietly explain  what is expected. When you get quiet your child has to get quiet to hear what you have to say-- just in case it is "YES you can have what you want". Tell Jr. he can either walk calmly with you or ride in the cart and that throwing a fit will not get him what he is crying for. Stand perfectly still until he contains himself. Yes, even if it takes a few minutes. You are investing in his future behavior here.  When he gets quiet, continue on with your shopping. Now, engage him in some positive conversation. Help him redeem himself and regain some self-control ( both of you). Ask him to point out where the milk is. When there are options--- raisins or applesauce-- let him make the choice. Praise his good behavior and helpfulness. What 5 year old WANTS to be dragged through the boring task of grocery shopping? If it is a big shopping trip, offer a reward for good behavior to be awarded when you are done.. Kind of like a paycheck at the end of the job. Remind him along the way that he is earning his reward by good behavior.

     Timing is everything. BE THE MOM: don't ask the impossible at an improbable time. Teach and train: set your child up for success and enjoy your time with him!
    

Believing is seeing...

     One of the best lines in The Santa Clause movie is , "Seeing isn't believing, Believing is seeing" -- isn't that true in many aspects of our lives? If we believe something -that is how we tend to see it. Take our children for instance; if we believe our children to be perfect little angels, that is all we tend to see ( often times to the chagrin of others). Conversely, if we see our child as a "devil child" ( I have heard more than one person say that of their child), THAT is all we see.
     The trouble with either or both of those scenarios is that we tend to feed what we believe. Little "angel" can walk from table to table at a restaurant -- disturbing others' dinner-- and angel's parents just think it is sooooo cute. Thus feeding the precociousness of said child rather than teaching and training about manners and boundaries.  Likewise, parents who only see the bad in their child, will miss great opportunities to praise him or her and reinforce good behavior because they are too busy yelling and smacking at the little "devil"
      You can guarantee that if the nursery worker at your church sees your little angel hording all the toys and taking what she wants from others...they aren't going to laugh it off as him or her being a little "organizer". . And if you keep stomping on your monster child, he or she will do all they can do to live up to that reputation and all the effort of his or  her school teacher to "do" anything with that child will be short lived because the teacher will believe what he or she sees too. Seeing will indeed be believing for those working with your children
     Maybe it is time for a vision exam.  You really have to be ready for this reality checkup-- ready to hear the truth and ready to act on it. Ask someone near and dear to you-- someone you can trust to tell the truth without sugar coating or being brutal-- to tell you what they see when they are with your kids. Especially if you think you are SURE you know the answer!! This kind of hard truth can be life altering....for you and your child. But how much better to make parenting adjustments now to see more clearly what your child's behavior is telling you-- rather than dealing with major issues and regrets later!
     Great adults start-out as kids with imperfect parents willing to do what it takes...believing that their children will grow into kind & caring, productive, happy adults while seeing them for what they are- kids who need the help of parents to get there!
     Be the parent! Do the hard stuff like looking at your children with clear vision and loving them enough to do the work it takes to teach them and train them to be the adults that you want them to be!