Tell Me That You Love Me

The child petulantly stomps her foot and says " NOBODY LOVES ME!".
     Your first reaction is to regal her with ALL you have done for her lately; " haven't I just taken you to the baseball game? And didn't I just buy you a new bicycle???" You do all you can to talk her out of the way she is feeling-- telling her her feelings aren't valid-- but the cry of her heart is still the same. Nobody loves me-- because it feels that way and her love tank is on empty.
    Step back and look at the bigger picture.  What is truly the cry of her heart? SOMEBODY show me love the way I need it. Pure and simple.
     Our differences are what make us unique and they are also what make us mysterious to anyone who may not be like us. We give what we know. We love the way it comes naturally to us. However, that may not be what the recipient of our love NEEDS.
     You can give an elephant  a rocking chair-- well, enough said.
     Love languages. We give love and receive love in a variety of ways-- there is no one-size-fits-all in the language of love. It just is what it is.
     We are born with a big question in our heart-- Do You Love Me?  We walk through this lifetime posing that question to (most) all we encounter. Not necessarily by words, but most assuredly by deeds. From infancy to death we ask: Do YOU love ME? Sometimes the echo back is a resounding YES! in a language we understand...and sometimes it is so foreign we can only shake our head and walk away-- with an empty love tank and a hunger to fill it. Sometimes we look for love in all the wrong places and find that the interpretation is not what we imagined it would be.
     So-- how do we speak the language of  love to our children so that they skip away full and ready to meet the world? Learn the languages and speak fluently.
       Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Ross Campbell M.D list  the 5 Love Languages as Acts of Service, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch and Receiving Gifts ( detailed in their many books including  The 5 Love Languages of Children).  According to them, children from infancy to about 5 years old need to be spoken to in all 5 languages-- and as they get older you will see that their are certain languages that speak love more clearly/deeply to them.
   There are ways to understand the language the recipient needs to hear, they are usually letting the people around them know by words and actions-- if the giver will just take time to observe and interpret.
     The child who speaks Acts of Service may say: Help me! He may be perfectly capable of doing something, but he wants you to do it WITH him.
     The child who speaks Quality Time may say: Play this with me, or Don't leave me, or may do things that capture your attention ( positively or negatively).
     The child who speaks Words of Affirmation may say: Did you see me do that? Do you like my picture? As much as this child is uplifted by your words of encouragement and praise , he is deeply wounded by your criticism.
     The child who speaks Physical Touch may say: Hold me! Sit by ME. I Neeeed you. Teens may not act like they want your hugs but they secretly yearn for them.
     The child who speaks Receiving Gifts may say: What did you bring me? Lets get Grandma a flower! Look what I brought you!  The receiver of gifts also likes to give gifts-- that is the telltale sign and distinguishes him from a spoiled child!
       We certainly benefit from all the ways love is demonstrated throughout our life time-- but we do have a preference or two that make our heart SING!
     BE THE MOM: Observe your children and listen to the language of their heart. Learn to speak the 5 Love Languages fluently and do it often.
https://www.facebook.com/BeTheMom2
      

     

   

From Fairy Princess to Fearless

      So, what IS a mother supposed to do when her baby gets married at 18 years of age and everything changes? I KNOW it was just yesterday that she was twirling around the house in her tutu with her pig-tails twisting in the effort. From white tulle tutu to white wedding chiffon...in the blink of an eye.
     Today, on her 19th birthday, as she has just gotten her first tattoo--- she paid me a wonderful compliment: "Thank you mom, I know you don't like tattoos but I'm glad you are the kind of mom that loves us even when you disagree. I love you". I sniff a little even as I re-type her text. I guess the more obvious statement would be: from tutu to tattoo in a heart wrenching moment.
      As hard as it is to let go and watch from the side-lines, it is rewarding to know that she and her siblings caught my effort to let them "be" and "do"--- and love them through it all. By the grace of God, I taught them Faith and  character; I  trained them in behavior and disciplines,  and they made their choices.
     My 5 children taught me a lot--- about myself and about who they were created to be. It was my job not to squish the authenticity out of them.
   I think I did ok. I always say that I have 5 wonderfully imperfect children. And I love them just the way they are. They have become the adults they were meant to be, sometimes by the hard way, but always with gusto and a command of the world around them. Currently 3 are in college while a 4th is preparing for grad school. The youngest was married in June the oldest will marry in December. THIS YEAR. Note to self: hair appointment to cover the gray tomorrow at noon.
     The happily-ever-after in our story is that they all approach life differently and have individual dreams and talents. The baby marrying first is a testimony to their independence.
     She just text a picture of her tattoo... "intrepid", she had me write the template for her. It is my handwriting on her arm. But it is my heart in her hand.
BE THE PARENT: Listen to your children: they will let you know who they want to be. With some teaching and training....you will guide them there!

Cleanup On Isle Three

         You fight the burning desire to look up to see who is watching your five-year-old have a melt down on isle 3-- knowing the judgment that will be evident on their faces. "You come over here lady and deal with this squealing monkey if you think you can do a better job"...is what you would like to say--- if you had enough nerve. But it would seem that Jr. just stepped on the last one you had. 

      Don't overcompensate to prove to the nosy grandma lingering over the shredded-wheat as if she really was experiencing a dilemma over which fiber  to buy --that you've got this. This isn't about you. It IS about your child. What you do next either works toward changing a behavior or reinforcing it. Pressure builds. What's a mother to do? Breathe. It really is the only thing you can do. Just take a moment and breathe. It is not the end of the world but it is part of the job and a hurdle to be sure. 

     Is all this REALLY about the Choc-O cereal or is it about the time of day? Have you asked too much of your child-- is he hungry? ready for a nap? Have you tried to squeeze a quick-run-into-the-store into an already difficult day? If so, count your loses and make your exit plan.  Deny the desire to just-give-him-the-cereal-so-he-will-shut-up-already. Resist the urge to yell or smack your child.  Tell Jr. that throwing himself on the floor is not acceptable-- in whatever phrases he understands--insist he stands up, take his hand and with as much dignity as you can muster-- walk out of the store.  A store employee will have been watching the kiddie-show and will get the groceries restocked. At this moment, the most important players are your child and you. There is no need to fuss at him about his bad behavior; just put him in his booster seat and drive home. Whatever you thought you had to have will have to be gotten later. 

      When the timing is bad, you can't expect your child to give you the behavior you desire if he doesn't have it in him.

     HOWEVER, if this is not a timing issue, but rather a behavior issue, use it as a teachable moment. With eye-to-eye contact ( and no regard to lingering granny) quietly explain  what is expected. When you get quiet your child has to get quiet to hear what you have to say-- just in case it is "YES you can have what you want". Tell Jr. he can either walk calmly with you or ride in the cart and that throwing a fit will not get him what he is crying for. Stand perfectly still until he contains himself. Yes, even if it takes a few minutes. You are investing in his future behavior here.  When he gets quiet, continue on with your shopping. Now, engage him in some positive conversation. Help him redeem himself and regain some self-control ( both of you). Ask him to point out where the milk is. When there are options--- raisins or applesauce-- let him make the choice. Praise his good behavior and helpfulness. What 5 year old WANTS to be dragged through the boring task of grocery shopping? If it is a big shopping trip, offer a reward for good behavior to be awarded when you are done.. Kind of like a paycheck at the end of the job. Remind him along the way that he is earning his reward by good behavior.

     Timing is everything. BE THE MOM: don't ask the impossible at an improbable time. Teach and train: set your child up for success and enjoy your time with him!
    

Believing is seeing...

     One of the best lines in The Santa Clause movie is , "Seeing isn't believing, Believing is seeing" -- isn't that true in many aspects of our lives? If we believe something -that is how we tend to see it. Take our children for instance; if we believe our children to be perfect little angels, that is all we tend to see ( often times to the chagrin of others). Conversely, if we see our child as a "devil child" ( I have heard more than one person say that of their child), THAT is all we see.
     The trouble with either or both of those scenarios is that we tend to feed what we believe. Little "angel" can walk from table to table at a restaurant -- disturbing others' dinner-- and angel's parents just think it is sooooo cute. Thus feeding the precociousness of said child rather than teaching and training about manners and boundaries.  Likewise, parents who only see the bad in their child, will miss great opportunities to praise him or her and reinforce good behavior because they are too busy yelling and smacking at the little "devil"
      You can guarantee that if the nursery worker at your church sees your little angel hording all the toys and taking what she wants from others...they aren't going to laugh it off as him or her being a little "organizer". . And if you keep stomping on your monster child, he or she will do all they can do to live up to that reputation and all the effort of his or  her school teacher to "do" anything with that child will be short lived because the teacher will believe what he or she sees too. Seeing will indeed be believing for those working with your children
     Maybe it is time for a vision exam.  You really have to be ready for this reality checkup-- ready to hear the truth and ready to act on it. Ask someone near and dear to you-- someone you can trust to tell the truth without sugar coating or being brutal-- to tell you what they see when they are with your kids. Especially if you think you are SURE you know the answer!! This kind of hard truth can be life altering....for you and your child. But how much better to make parenting adjustments now to see more clearly what your child's behavior is telling you-- rather than dealing with major issues and regrets later!
     Great adults start-out as kids with imperfect parents willing to do what it takes...believing that their children will grow into kind & caring, productive, happy adults while seeing them for what they are- kids who need the help of parents to get there!
     Be the parent! Do the hard stuff like looking at your children with clear vision and loving them enough to do the work it takes to teach them and train them to be the adults that you want them to be!

Tis The Season To Be Frazzled, Fa La La La La La, lalalala

     In what universe did we have FREE time that we can now fill with Christmas shopping? I have always had a deep respect for full-time moms, but I have a new found respect for women who work full time, go home to take care of children and household AND pull off a magical Christmas! Lets face it, at the end of any one's day.....there is little or no energy to trudge through the crowded stores to score the perfect gift~ or crank up the ovens to create Christmas confections! So, what is a woman to do??
     For most it is too late to do a little shopping here and a little shopping there to be done by the 1st of December- then having Dec to just enjoy the Holiday activities- wouldn't THAT be Joyful! But it is not too late to let your fingers do the walking through the web pages! I have found that many companies are still offering free shipping and when you stack that with on-line coupons...there are some deals to be had. Shopping from the couch in your jammies will make the savings and/or convenience even sweeter. If you are apprehensive about ordering online, stick with the larger companies you recognize and places like Amazon or Overstock.com.
     Hitting the malls? To keep your sanity, I would also suggest NOT TAKING YOUR CHILDREN out shopping with you. Make a plan... organize a day when grandparents keep the kids so you and hubs can fight through the crowds and knock that list out together~ which should include a nice dinner I might add. Single mom? Make arrangements with gal-pals to swap child care and go out shopping with another friend ( having someone to talk through purchases with can make your time more productive and lessen impulse buying).
     If you are like me, you may not have large sums of money at one time and have to shop week to week. Follow the same game plan~on line shopping and/or have someone watch the kids while you shop with a friend and a LIST!
     Short on cash ( still looking for the universe where there is extra money too!)? The year before last my family declared that all gifts had to come from GoodWill, McKays ( used book store) or any other second-hand store. It was one of the best Christmases we have EVER had! Siblings found classic Disney CDs in a gift set for a sister who loves the music from old Disney movies. We found great books on CDs for Uncles who are on the road a lot, great classic DVD Movies, some beautiful ceramic kitchen serving dishes that matched an Aunt's kitchen perfectly, and fabulous linen napkins for a family member who is going "green". Where there is a will to hunt there is a way to shop and still give gifts during this season of celebrating the Birthday of Jesus!
     And do not forget the joy home baked goods bring to harried people who do not have time to bake for themselves ( I have a sister-in-law that bakes fudge pies for the men in the family every year and woe-be-it-unto-her if she should try to show up at the family Christmas gathering without them!)....there are some cute plates or containers at the dollar store that can make the gift even more festive.
     Ms Cheap had a great article in the Sunday Tennessean rekindling the practice of giving coupons as gifts to one another. Wouldn’t YOU be thrilled to get a coupon for free babysitting, a day of cleaning your house or yard, or a dinner delivered to your door? The people on your list feel the same...the promise of a special night out with just mom and/or dad is a THRILL for children beyond compare!
     Keep it simple and remember it is not about finding the PERFECT gift ( if one does exist) it IS about the people. Your kids really do want fun time with you making Gingerbread houses more than the gift that will be broken or forgotten before next Christmas rolls around. I have NEVER heard anyone complain when given a gift of any kind because it really is the thought that counts. Being remembered and blessed by family and friends recharges our Joy and declares the Love we have for one another.
    All of this is to say, the only way to enjoy the Christmas season with your children is to get your frustrations with the WORK that goes along with the holidays under control by making a plan and executing it.
     Merry Christmas! Be the Mom~ Shop without them and then sing with your kids and enjoy the sights, sounds and tastes of Christmas together. Share the Joy!

Fall Fun

The house is quiet; all my children have gone their respective ways~ one is living on a college campus, one in his apartment, one is at work, one is house sitting and one has flown away to Hawaii for a special Autumn vacation. There were times when the kids were little that I would have given away a kidney to barter some quiet time. Note to self: it isn't all it is cracked up to be. You laugh because, with young children nipping at your heels, you can't seem to imagine what "quiet" would be like.
The moral of today's story? Enjoy your children while they are young and you can still keep them contained in one spot.
Step outside and you will find that it is not too hot and not too cold, it is juuuust right. The weather is perfect to gather the gang (as well as some borrowed kids if you have room in your mini-van) and enjoy the delights of Autumn.
It seems that October is ooober yard sale month....folks have waited for this cooler weather to sit outside with their treasures for sale, and a kid with only change in his pocket can really wrack up with some interesting finds~ which are liable to keep him busy for ....hours. Now is the time to take a nature walk ~ fewer bugs means more fun~ there are acorns and colorful leaves to be collected for examination and fall collages. Fall Festivals and October Fest ( check your local news paper as well as Ms Cheap's list (@ www.tennessean.com)  fill the air with music and aromas too luscious to ignore offering sausages, funnel cakes and hot cider to sample.
My absolute favorite fall destination is Keller's Corny Country~ Pumpkin Patch and Corn Maze ~in Dickson TN which provides family fun for all ages! From monster slide to niblet corn ride, through corn bin and playground, with the promise of finding the PERFECT pumpkin at the end of the hayride~ TN's finest agritourism  provides hours of outdoor exercise and entertainment. I have seen many adults enjoy coffee around the bonfire while the children chased the pig~ just think about how long your children will nap after running around in the fresh air for hours J
So get lost in a corn maze with your kids on purpose and prepare for lots of laughs as well as a lifetime of great memories. Oh, and~ don't forget the camera!

http://www.kellerscornycountry.com/index.html

http://www.visittnfarms.com to find a pumpkin patch near you

Where have all the Parents gone?

One of my daughters went to StarBucks for coffee with a friend last night , they we enjoying a conversation in the comfy chairs when a young couple came in with their 2 children. As the parents ordered their double-shot skinny Mocha Lattes the  kids did what kids are naturally drawn to do...they went over to see the nice ladies.  The 4 year old boy started with  "watch me, watch me!" as he put his hands on two chairs swinging himself back and forth -shoving the chair my daughter was sitting in  to get a better swinging field - while his sister leaned over the arm of the big chair putting herself between my daughter and her friend. All the while the parent's just smiled. At one point they cautioned the children not to bump and spill the ladies' coffee...but that was all the parenting that was done. This couple thought their little entertainers were in StarBucks to share their time and talents with the customers- the customers where not of the same mind.
It amazes me how oblivious parents can be to their impact on society....good and bad. Little Princess standing on the table belting out " The sun will come out to-mah-wow...." may be all fun and games at your family reunion...but not so much at the local eatery ( unless she is American Idol- show stopping worthy). And I am sorry, but I am NOT amused when your little man comes over to my table and asks if he can have a bite of my sandwich. You laugh, but you have seen it happen.
This is a wake up call to parents far and wide....look around you, look closely at the faces of the other patrons in the restaurant/ coffee house/ store and see if they are smiling or smirking. If their eyes are begging for rescue...coral your little munchkins and remember the personal space rules.
Just because you feel relief being out of the house and finding someone else to whom your son can yell "watch me, watch ME" doesn't give you the right to abdicate your parenting role and turn off your conscience connection to the rules of polite society. It does matter, it isn't cute and and I want my personal space back.
On the flip side of this tirade.... keep putting  your little girl's hair in those little palm-tree pigtails....they really do make us smile and when your little guy tries to hold the door open for us it makes our day. I make it a point to compliment  kids when they are at the grocery store ( or out in public) behaving nicely ( yes, I am one of THOSE women)...I think it is smart to reward good behavior and  a mom should get an atta-boy when she has taught her kids not to go buck-wild.  We, the other diners at the restaurant, understand if your little guy has to get up from the table because he just can't sit any longer...just keep him by your table...don't let him ruin the meal for people at other tables. And if your little girl plays peek-a-boo over the back of the booth, while it may be cute at first...know that the people in the other booth will grow tired of it quickly ...so put a stop to the game. And PLEASE, if you are in church, at a movie or listening to a speaker....if your child starts to make noise.....happy OR sad noise..., forgo the entertainment for the sake of the other people present and remove your child from the room.
I know you are tired and I KNOW parenting 24/7 is hard...but think about what you are teaching your children - if there are no boundaries, they can not learn self-control.
 It is all about inhabiting the same space in peace.
Be the Parent: Be Aware!

New Look

It can be fun to make changes, I enjoyed making changes to this blog page. We like making changes to our hair, make-up and nails, we spruce up our homes with new paint and wall-paper, and may even trade the old car for a newer model.
Some kids find comfort in familiarity and balk at any changes. We know the kids who can NOT sleep without a certain blanket or stuffed animal and will insist that you say goodnight to ALL his dinosaurs on the shelf- in order- ....and will not let you get away with skipping just one ( no matter how tired and desperate you are to get into your own bed). Many kids become agitated and cranky when routines are changed and may resist sleeping in the Pack-N-Play at Grandma's house, no matter how much you WISH they would just lay down and go to sleep.
Whats a mother to do? Do all you can (within reason) to make your child feel safe and secure. Remember that it won't be like this forever, things will right themselves before he or she is ready to go off to college.
There are those kids who like to make changes too~~ little Susie wants to be a princess and insists on being called Cinderella ....she will answer to nothing else. But you may notice that that is as far as the change goes and Cinderella will ONLY where one dress....day and night. This has become her new comfort zone and coaxing her to wear shorts and T shirt to go out for dinner will do you no good.
So the question is : do you force her to wear something other than the princess dress and answer to her real name?
I am no child psychologist but past experience is an excellent teacher and my encouragement is to remember that this too shall pass. Preserve relationship and celebrate your child's unique personality...so what if some old biddy raises her eyebrow at you in a public place? If your child is happy and no harm is being done....perhaps there is a tiara you can wear to be a part of Cinderella's court!
We recently had a bowling party for one of my siblings. My sister-in-law showed up with my 6 year old niece who was wearing a blue flowered sundress over a red and white baseball shirt, along with black footless tights and black dress shoes. I was so excited to see that my sister-in-law had not let any embarrassment keep her from allowing her daughter to express her independence and individuality! I was congratulating her when she explained to me that going out in public was nothing...the hard part was learning that it had been picture day at school! ARGH! But the truth is that day came and went and there will be some interesting pictures to add to the baby book.
Your child will let you know if change is good~ listen~ your child is telling you something!

This means WAR!

What part of this war did you think was going to be easy?

In this express-paced my-day-is-set-to-a-sound-track world our children are growing up in, there is a mega war going on for their attention as well as their self-image. Every day society is vying for our children's attention to persuade them to change or conform to an advertised image while we spend our time teaching our children our values as we work toward shaping their character. Christians use the Bible as their moral compass and guide, other religions use other guidelines...but we have our own set ideas and desires for the outcome~ raising compassionate adults who are productive in society - an asset rather than a burden- aware of their purpose in the world with the gumption to make things happen while being self-satisfied.

Did you ever expect to see TVs and dvd players in our cars? Why, when we were kids, we counted cows and liked it! But that is a whole 'nother rabbit trail! The point is ( yes, there IS a point) that daily, almost no matter where they are, our children are being not just influenced by, but assaulted with, ideas, images and heavy suggestions that they are not who they SHOULD be. On television- not just the commercials but also the character identification- in restaurants, in school, in the bathroom stall for that matter, while riding down the road- both roadside ads and radio , practically everywhere they look there is some ad or message to tell them what they have, do, need, or look like needs to be different if they are to be satisfied with their lives.

According to Jean Kilbourne, who has been studying ads' cultural impact for almost 20 years in an interview by Nan Knutsen:"....advertising's influence is cumulative and primarily unconscious. The less consciously we watch ads, the more deeply we are affected. The average American is exposed to more than 3000 ads a day, and companies spend over $200 billion each year on advertising." 200 BILLION dollars. Wow. I have had people tell me that advertising doesn't effect them. My thought is that it does influence us, otherwise the money wouldn't be spent in the trying. Who among us can't sing a jingle from ages ago? The messages are that we are not cool enough, tall enough, pretty enough, successful enough to be a an acceptable person, therefore we must ascribe to xyz to attain satisfaction.

So, what are our children learning? The next time little-boy throws a fit in the grocery store for some sugary sweet cereal, look beyond the taste buds to the message that cereal carries for him-- that he will only have fun and adventures if he eats that box of cereal. The next time little-girl acts out in the store to get the super short shirt to go with the micro-mini skirt, ask yourself if the message she has received is that she will only be accepted by the other girls as a worthy person if she dresses just like they do, OR that the boys will only pay attention if she follows the cool fashions- and, after-all, if boys don't notice us we have no value - do we?
What is a parent to do? Fight the good fight! Do not sit passively by and let this war rage for your child's self-image and esteem. Yes, parenting is hard. Yes, this war is difficult because this war is not age discriminatory and never ends. But if you are not counteracting this campaign, who will?

Let you children know that is not "stuff" that defines them. Some of you laugh at that because you are already ahead of the game, but haven't we all met people who, as adults, still don't get this message?

Self-satisfied people who know their own value raise children who know the same about themselves.
Be the parent: dispel the lies!

Momnesia

I know I had a blueberry muffin in my hand just a minute ago. I had it when I answered the phone- I remember because I wanted to take a bite when Sue asked me a question. But then as I was walking down the hall I noticed that the washing machine had stopped so I put the wet clothes in the dryer. The hammer that was on the dryer needed to go back to the tool box and while on my way to the garage I noticed that the cats needed to be fed. I MAY have had the hammer and muffin in my hand at the same time...but I am not sure. I KNOW I did not have it when I changed the baby's wet diaper and picked up the toys in his room. I was on my way back to the kitchen when Jane needed help finding her shoes and I discovered that her closet floor was a disaster! Closet cleaned....and I am hungry---now, where IS that muffin?
You are laughing, but you have had mornings just like this one.
Is there a cure for momnesia, not really. Perhaps the more organized you are the less you suffer from the condition. But if you have small children you know that the best plans and schedules are temporary and subject to change- on a moments notice.
If you have kids you have "situations", like dirty diapers, when you are trying to get everyone in the car to take sister to school that upset the time schedule. Or, lost ____( you fill in the blank: shoes, keys, blankie, pacifier...) that side track you from the direction you were heading. How about the creative moments-- little-one decides that butt paste is not just for butts anymore, even if the cat doesn't need it; Jr. discovers that jello looks pretty on baby sister's head or my favorite- after you have all the children dressed for church, the youngest winds up with lotion in her hair and on her dress.....the only clean dress that fits. ARGH!
What's a mom with momnesia supposed to do? Learn to laugh at the situation. The way I see it, you can loose it and make the moments worse, or you can take a deep breath, look at the bright side ( there is ALWAYS a bright side), deal with what IS ( the reality that you will be late for where you are going and everyone WILL be OK) and do the best you can.
Where was that muffin? In the freezer from when I took the chicken out to defrost for dinner. The bright side? At least the dog didn't eat it.
Be the cool, calm Mom - look at the bright side!

Suspicious minds...........

I was listening to a mommy confession on the radio- a woman was telling about coming out of church noticing that her son was lagging behind the family walking with his hands behind his back, acting a little suspicious. Mom asked what he was doing and received the "nothin" answer while he shuffled along. Mom asked what he had behind his back, "nothin" was the reply. Mom became concerned that he had taken something from church that didn't belong to him, so she asked him to show her what he had behind his back. The boy did not comply. Still concerned that he had something that wasn't his, mom sternly said "show me what you have in your hands!". With head hanging low, the boy brought his hands from behind his back and showed mom the gift he had made her for Mother's Day. Busted surprise! Mom felt terrible and said she learned a life-long lesson that day.
A dad who called in told about how they had company one evening  and while they were still visiting he had put his reluctant young daughter to bed. She came down a few minutes later saying, " dad, there is something furry upstairs." Dad, believing this was a stall tactic, told his daughter to go back upstairs to bed. A few minutes later she returned saying, " dad, there is something furry upstairs." Dad told her to go to bed and stay there. Not too much more time passed and here she came again, but before she could say anything dad grabbed her by the hand and walked her back up the stairs while sternly telling her that she had to stay in her bed. At the top of the stairs he turned and saw a gray-squirrel in the bathroom. Within minutes family and friends were running around with a sheet trying to get the furry creature out of the house. Needless to say, humble pie is best eaten warm!
How many times do we suspect the worst of our child first~ rather than thinking the best? And what message are we sending them with our suspicious minds?
Just something to think about.
Trust is a precious connection in a relationship, especially between parent and child. If your child usually tells the truth~ believe the best not the worst.
Be the parent: build trust.

Do these things come with a manual?

I have heard more than one parent lament that their child did not come with an owner's manual. Wouldn't it be great if each child did come with instructions: this one is gassy, there are drops for that; this one sleeps all night but is a live-wire during the day, there are swing attachments for that; or this one only eats orange foods, avoid all greens. Unfortunatly, there is no manual for our newborn. However, when it comes to raising them and shaping there character, there IS one! It is called the Bible. Who has ALL the answers? Not me! Lets face it, we need all the help we can get. The Bible is FULL of direction and insight especially in the books of Proverbs and Psalms> they tell that a "wise man" does this and a "fool" does that. It is like the colored vegetables- you do one and avoid the other!
I know I could not do this job alone. It gives me great peace and courage to know that God (who is in control of my life) is bigger than me and all my problems, has the answers I don't even know the questions to yet and has the map and directions for me and my family to get through this life with joy and on into heaven. The heaven I am looking forward to is the home of Jesus Christ.
It is not my place to tell you how you should raise your child spiritually, but I do want to encourage you to find the help you need to the hardest job you will ever have! It is so very nice not to have to walk this place alone!
Be the Parent: Guide your child!

Let your No be No!

In my opinion, parenting is THE hardest job you will ever have and live to tell about!
You are nourishing bodies and souls, you are shaping character and forming compassionate hearts, as well as creating the leaders of future generations. Yeah, it may seem like all dirty diapers and smeared on baby food right now—but you just wait until you see the end results!
It is all too easy to get tired and overwhelmed because parenting takes soooo much energy, not only physical, but mental as well. Some days it is just easier to say "yeah, yeah" to a request rather than use the energy it would take to enforce a good "NO".
But may I encourage you to look farther down the road? Look at the character you would like your child(ren) to exhibit as adults and make the investment in that character now; no matter the energy it may require.
Children do not get spoiled because they are loved too much, they get spoiled because of inconsistent parenting and no clear boundaries.I am no parenting expert by any means, nor am I a psychologist, but I am a parent and I have seen how this all works. I like to tell parents that they can do this job, they can make it through the harder times and enjoy their children now and as they get older. However, it takes time and commitment.
The short term "yes" may give you peace for the moment, but the harder "no" may give you peace for many years. Think about it.
There is a lot of love behind a “no”.
Be the Parent: see the results

Get some sleep!

I am often asked how to get a child to sleep through the night. If you have ever watched Super Nanny you have received some great instruction on the topic. The point is, if you go to your children every time they cry after you put them down to sleep, you are telling them, “you are unable to go to sleep without me and if you cry I will come and help you get to sleep. Every time and all the time.” Is that REALLY what you want to do? I did not want to spend every night in a “get-back-in-your-bed-and-stop-crying” routine, which happens as your infant becomes a toddler that never learned how to go to sleep on his or her own. After learning from the first child, I parented smarter!
Infants need us- they depend on us for their very livelihood; they can not take care of themselves. So we feed and change and rock them…and sometimes they still cry. Crying is a child’s language- as you get used to your child you begin to understand the “I’m hungry” cry or the “my tummy hurts” cry. Or even the “I am wet and can’t stand it” cry. But sometimes, baby just needs to cry. And as long as all of his or her needs have been met, they are comfortable (not too hot and not too cold) and in a safe position, it is ok to let them cry. Maybe you let them cry for a few minutes the first night before going to him or her, and then 15 minutes the next, until eventually your baby is crying for a short period of time and drifting off to sleep without any patting or rocking from you. And if he or she wakes up in the night they will be able to go back to sleep without crying to get you back in the room so YOU can put them back to sleep. It really can be done. But it is all up to you. Decide what message you want your child to receive from you and act on it. I like the message: I love you and know you can go to sleep without me!
Teach your 3 year old( or what-ever age) that she can not come into your bed and sleep with you in the middle of the night by saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Put her back to bed a few nights in a row and you won’t have to deal with feet in your back or under your chin for months on end!
Everyone wins and the whole family is happier! Be the PARENT and get a good night’s sleep!

Teach and Train.

Aren’t you glad that you are not given a job to do (without any training) expected to do it right from the start? It makes me think of the old I LOVE LUCY show when she and Ethel are on the candy making conveyer line. They didn’t get much practice before they were expected to do the job of covering candy in chocolate quickly and efficiently. They wound up with candy everywhere!
When I am at work and I am being trained to do a new task usually someone is working with me to show me how to do it and answer any questions. At some point I branch out and try it on my own but have someone there to remind me how to use the new program or create a new invoice. I sure am glad that I am not just expected to KNOW it or get fired!
Very often we tell a child to do (or NOT to do) something and then discipline if they don’t respond correctly. I would encourage you to teach and train your children BEFORE going for the discipline. Discipline AFTER your child has mastered something you have taught him but chooses to disobey. Take standing on the coffee table as an example; first, make sure you are setting a good example, don’t stand on the coffee table (lol) . Second, teach your 18 month old not to stand on the coffee table by removing him and telling him “we do not stand on the coffee table” while setting his feet on the floor—repeatedly. Yes, over and over and over again. It is not a FUN thing to do but sometimes teaching is required but not enjoyable. When you see him look at the table and choose NOT to climb on it, tell him how great it is that he is NOT climbing on the table. At this point you know he is beginning to understand that he should not climb on the table. AFTER this point if he chooses to climb on the coffee table you can reinforce what you have taught with age appropriate discipline, perhaps by scolding when you remove him- giving the instruction “we do not stand on the table” a little more sternly and setting him on a stool or small chair for a few seconds. You may have to work at teaching and training for a little while each day for a few days but he will get the idea. The point is not to expect your young child (at most any age) to hear an instruction ONE time and immediately know how to act accordingly.
Be the PARENT and get the results! Stick with it! Teach and train before you discipline.

Vacation Blues?

If you can hardly wait for spring break or summer vacation to be over because YOU can’t stand being with your own kids….who WILL be able to stand being with your children now, as they become teenagers and when they are adults? What kind of friends will they attract in high school, or what kind of person will WANT to marry them?
The key is to create an environment within your home where there is peace and where you all WANT to be. A place where no one person is overbearing and controlling but that the members of your household learn to respect each other and find ways to get along. Is my house ALWAYS peaceful? NO! Are there days when siblings just don’t want to live with each other any more? YES! But more days than not, they find ways to get along. Some days there are arguments, other days they are playing cards and board-games or going to movies together. Some days there is crying , but lots of days there is laughter. My house is the house that my kids friends like to come to. Not because it is perfect by any means, but because we love one another and try to look out for the best interest of each other. And we like to have fun.
Yes, my children are older now, but I remember the younger days when I had 5 children from teens to toddlers running around the house. Believe me, 5 kids make lots of noise no matter the age ( EVEN NOW!). But I loved having my kids home then and I love having my kids home now. Am I SUPER MOM? NO!! I am just working hard at helping my family respect each other – even if there are days they don’t like each other and to love each other through thick and thin. Blood IS thicker than water, and if you don’t feel like your family loves you and has your back, you can become a very lost soul.
Be the PARENT! Take back your home, make it a place of co-operation and respect. Bring back the fun and peace. GET THE RESULTS!! ENJOY your children ( they won’t live with you forever)!!!

The Daddy Way

Did you ever notice that men do not multi-task? When a woman is waiting for the waffles to pop-up out of the toaster, she wipes down the stove, fills the dog's water bowl, or puts dishes in the dishwasher..etc. When a man is waiting for the waffles to pop-up out of the toaster he is thinking about how long it takes and wonders if it is possible to warm the waffles up in his hands and serve the waffles to the kids semi-frozen. Neither way is wrong, they are just very different.
By and large dads are made to play rough-and-tumble with the kids, and as long as the child is not being intimidated or harmed AND the child is enjoying himself-- then let the airplane rides begin. They are making their own bonds with their kids and forging their own relationships and memories.
Dads don't always do things the way moms do. Mom, if you leave the kids with their dad while you go out , please do not expect the routine he adheres to to be the same as yours; he may feed the kids cereal for lunch, let them nap in the living room and use duct tape to close a stubborn diaper. As long as the children are safe, fed, clothed ( even in miss-matched outfits) and not in wet or dirty diapers....I would say mission accomplished! When we dog the dads because they didn't do it OUR way, we are just setting them up to be uncooperative in volunteering for future dad-days with the kids, after all, who wants to hear that the job they have done is all wrong?
Coach a dad who may not know all the requirements of being the at-home parent in charge, even leave lists to be helpful with nap times, bottle schedules, and where the extra diapers are-- and most of it he will figure out on his own.
Do not expect the house to be in order or the dishes to be in the dishwasher when you get home- just plan on finding your children having fun with the man who loves them as much as you do.
Be the Parents: share the load!

Gimmy, gimmy!

"But I NEEEEED it!!" are words often heard hearlded throughout Walmart. Not just from kids either, and quite often in my own head! Bright and shiney NEW things can be very attractive, and the millions spent on advertiseing yearly prove the success of ~ if you see it you want it!
But what about teaching our children the difference, say, between "want" and "need"? Do they (we, I) really NEEED it or is it a desire? Not that wants and desires are bad, but they are not imperative. And giving into every want makes for a dissatisfied child who becomes an adult who can not delay gratification- he/she has got to have it NOW, at any cost. And like all shiney things, the NEW wears off and they are on to the next thing they HAVE to have. Do we really want to raise adults like that?
Loving a child does not make a child spoiled, not setting limits does. Not teaching a child to wait for, or earn something they would like to have is a disservice to that child. It may be helpful to us to keep them quiet now, but in the long run we are feeding greed.
So, what to do in the dept. store or grocery store when your child starts with the "I wants" and the "I neeeed its"? First: calmly ask your child if they think they really need what they are asking for ( on a hot day a drink of water really IS a need!) or if it is just something they think they want-- teach them the difference.
Second: if is is within their power to spend their own money on it, you might offer that as an option. I have seen MANY children stop their demands when they realized THEY would have to pay for the item. Or, suggest that they put it on their 'wish' list for their birthday, Christmas or Chanukah . You will be teaching them delayed gratification ( if you don't teach it who will?) and a cool down period when deciding what to purchase rather than impulse buying.
Third: offer to let your child earn the money ( for non-essentials) by doing chores around the house. Promoting that feeling of accomplishment when he/she marches in the store with their hard earned money for a well thought-out purchase.
Now, what if the child is TWO you are screaming at the screen............THAT is more about tantrum control. You create the monster by giving a toy or treat EVERYTIME you enter a store, and you have to defuse that same monster. You will need to talk briefly about it BEFORE you enter the store and then STICK TO YOUR DECISION!! DO NOT GIVE IN! Will there be tears? YES, and your two year old will cry too ( lol), but the both of you will get through it! The first NO is the hardest. But eventually you will both get the hang of it. Can there be rewards for a child who sits still through the long ordeal of a big weekly shopping trip- YES> But better still, do yourselves a favor and leave your small children at home with an adult or baby sitter to save them from the torture! It would be the equivalent of you having to sit through 2 hours of stand-still traffic with no music and no cell phone!! I used to shop at 10:00 at night when my husband came home so that I could go without children which is sooooo much better for all involved.
Remember that you are not raising children you are raising adults and 35 years olds having greedy tantrums is just not pretty!
Be the parent: teach self control!

Can I write that check with crayon?

A mother really asked me that one day. Is it any surprise? She was digging down into her survival bag- aka- diaper bag, and all she could get her hands on was a crayon. The needs of the child were being met , but what of those of the mother?
I often remind mothers to take care of themselves first! Is may sound selfish, but you can't take care of someone else if your life is being depleted. When we are given instructions on an airplane we are told that if the oxygen masks drop down- PUT YOUR MASK ON FIRST, and THEN put the mask on your child. Why? Because if you pass out from lack of oxygen you will be of no help to your child!
To be the best mom- or parent you can be- you have to take care of yourself. You know, do all the things your mom always told you to do~ eat right, sleep enough, take vitamins....etc., but add to that list-- take care of your spirit and your soul ( your mind, will and emotions). If you pour yourself all out for your children, you will eventually empty out and heaven help those standing within hearing distance when THAT happens. It is commonly called "burn-out", but most moms know it as "someone-standing-on-my-last-nerve". Often that is when the serene "may I help you?" mommy begins to yell things like "WHAT do you want now?!?".
How do you take care of your spirit and soul? What things did you like to do bc (before children)? Yes, you CAN remember if you try hard enough. Or, what things would you like to try doing that you haven't MADE time for? Your husband will do himself a favor if he makes time for you to recharge your batteries. It is a win-win situation. He gets time to hang out with the kids with no interference and you get to do something you like to do. At the end of the day, everyone is happy.
Be the mom: you take care of others, take good care of yourself!

Be The Parent

AS I write this article, one of my children is cleaning their room, another is working on a school project, one is in Montana, and one is in Missouri on spring break with friends. The other is in her apartment in Nashville but called a little while ago to let me know what she was doing. I just finished helping one son with his taxes , there are clothes in the dryer that need to be folded, 2 cats that need to be fed ( and the litter scooped , yuck) one bathroom that needs cleaning and it is time to go to bed. Sound familiar? Not enough time and oh, so much to do! No wonder there is little time to do the things we WANT to do with our children! Most of our time is spent in what I call “fly-by parenting”, you know, the “hey, stop-hitting-your-sister- get- your –shoes- on -and -get –in- the- car -because –we- are- late- again “ parenting.
Wouldn’t you like it to be different? Wouldn’t you like your children to obey what you say- without a fight? Wouldn’t you like to have more smiles in your house and less whining? From you AND your children?
It is possible but it will take a little effort and time. It is like when you bring your sweet bundle-of-joy home from the hospital and then it turns into a crying a machine. You eventually know ( and hear from MANY friends) that if you let them cry it out for a few nights- they will sleep through the night- which is infinitely better than hearing them cry each night for a few months! You don’t believe it, but if you brave it out, you are delighted that it works! The same is true for your parenting, if you will invest a few days of concentrated parenting, you will enjoy better behavior from your children! But, you gotta BE THE PARENT!!
I am no parenting expert, I consider myself a parenting coach having earned my title though the school of hard knocks and experience. I teach parenting classes and mentor young moms and enjoy helping parents be all they can be, yeah, kind of like the Army.
The first lesson: consistency. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t be a wimp and bargain with your child; don’t try to talk them into doing what they are supposed to do, teach them the boundaries that they need in their lives. Let your “yes” mean “yes” and your “no” mean “NO”. If you say “yes, you may have a cookie”, your children know you mean it and don’t have to ask repeatedly. One “yes” and they move for that cookie. Why isn’t it the same when you say “no”? Because they know you don’t mean it! They know that if they ask repeatedly, you will most likely cave-in by the 18th or 19th time. Sometimes they are surprised, and delighted that you give in at pestering mile marker 12! Teach your children to be reliable by being reliable. Make them understand that there are real consequences in this life if we do not do the things we should and even greater consequences if we do the things we shouldn’t! If you don’t do the work in REAL life, you don’t get the paycheck! Try being consistent for 3 days straight and watch your children learn to believe that what you say is TRUE and that they can trust you.
Be- DEPENDABLE MOM, and grow dependable children!