Friday, April 24, 2009

Momnesia

I know I had a blueberry muffin in my hand just a minute ago. I had it when I answered the phone- I remember because I wanted to take a bite when Sue asked me a question. But then as I was walking down the hall I noticed that the washing machine had stopped so I put the wet clothes in the dryer. The hammer that was on the dryer needed to go back to the tool box and while on my way to the garage I noticed that the cats needed to be fed. I MAY have had the hammer and muffin in my hand at the same time...but I am not sure. I KNOW I did not have it when I changed the baby's wet diaper and picked up the toys in his room. I was on my way back to the kitchen when Jane needed help finding her shoes and I discovered that her closet floor was a disaster! Closet cleaned....and I am hungry---now, where IS that muffin?
You are laughing, but you have had mornings just like this one.
Is there a cure for momnesia, not really. Perhaps the more organized you are the less you suffer from the condition. But if you have small children you know that the best plans and schedules are temporary and subject to change- on a moments notice.
If you have kids you have "situations", like dirty diapers, when you are trying to get everyone in the car to take sister to school that upset the time schedule. Or, lost ____( you fill in the blank: shoes, keys, blankie, pacifier...) that side track you from the direction you were heading. How about the creative moments-- little-one decides that butt paste is not just for butts anymore, even if the cat doesn't need it; Jr. discovers that jello looks pretty on baby sister's head or my favorite- after you have all the children dressed for church, the youngest winds up with lotion in her hair and on her dress.....the only clean dress that fits. ARGH!
What's a mom with momnesia supposed to do? Learn to laugh at the situation. The way I see it, you can loose it and make the moments worse, or you can take a deep breath, look at the bright side ( there is ALWAYS a bright side), deal with what IS ( the reality that you will be late for where you are going and everyone WILL be OK) and do the best you can.
Where was that muffin? In the freezer from when I took the chicken out to defrost for dinner. The bright side? At least the dog didn't eat it.
Be the cool, calm Mom - look at the bright side!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Suspicious minds...........

I was listening to a mommy confession on the radio- a woman was telling about coming out of church noticing that her son was lagging behind the family walking with his hands behind his back, acting a little suspicious. Mom asked what he was doing and received the "nothin" answer while he shuffled along. Mom asked what he had behind his back, "nothin" was the reply. Mom became concerned that he had taken something from church that didn't belong to him, so she asked him to show her what he had behind his back. The boy did not comply. Still concerned that he had something that wasn't his, mom sternly said "show me what you have in your hands!". With head hanging low, the boy brought his hands from behind his back and showed mom the gift he had made her for Mother's Day. Busted surprise! Mom felt terrible and said she learned a life-long lesson that day.
A dad who called in told about how they had company one evening  and while they were still visiting he had put his reluctant young daughter to bed. She came down a few minutes later saying, " dad, there is something furry upstairs." Dad, believing this was a stall tactic, told his daughter to go back upstairs to bed. A few minutes later she returned saying, " dad, there is something furry upstairs." Dad told her to go to bed and stay there. Not too much more time passed and here she came again, but before she could say anything dad grabbed her by the hand and walked her back up the stairs while sternly telling her that she had to stay in her bed. At the top of the stairs he turned and saw a gray-squirrel in the bathroom. Within minutes family and friends were running around with a sheet trying to get the furry creature out of the house. Needless to say, humble pie is best eaten warm!
How many times do we suspect the worst of our child first~ rather than thinking the best? And what message are we sending them with our suspicious minds?
Just something to think about.
Trust is a precious connection in a relationship, especially between parent and child. If your child usually tells the truth~ believe the best not the worst.
Be the parent: build trust.

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Sunday, April 19, 2009

Do these things come with a manual?

I have heard more than one parent lament that their child did not come with an owner's manual. Wouldn't it be great if each child did come with instructions: this one is gassy, there are drops for that; this one sleeps all night but is a live-wire during the day, there are swing attachments for that; or this one only eats orange foods, avoid all greens. Unfortunatly, there is no manual for our newborn. However, when it comes to raising them and shaping there character, there IS one! It is called the Bible. Who has ALL the answers? Not me! Lets face it, we need all the help we can get. The Bible is FULL of direction and insight especially in the books of Proverbs and Psalms> they tell that a "wise man" does this and a "fool" does that. It is like the colored vegetables- you do one and avoid the other!
I know I could not do this job alone. It gives me great peace and courage to know that God (who is in control of my life) is bigger than me and all my problems, has the answers I don't even know the questions to yet and has the map and directions for me and my family to get through this life with joy and on into heaven. The heaven I am looking forward to is the home of Jesus Christ.
It is not my place to tell you how you should raise your child spiritually, but I do want to encourage you to find the help you need to the hardest job you will ever have! It is so very nice not to have to walk this place alone!
Be the Parent: Guide your child!

Friday, April 17, 2009

Let your No be No!

In my opinion, parenting is THE hardest job you will ever have and live to tell about!
You are nourishing bodies and souls, you are shaping character and forming compassionate hearts, as well as creating the leaders of future generations. Yeah, it may seem like all dirty diapers and smeared on baby food right now—but you just wait until you see the end results!
It is all too easy to get tired and overwhelmed because parenting takes soooo much energy, not only physical, but mental as well. Some days it is just easier to say "yeah, yeah" to a request rather than use the energy it would take to enforce a good "NO".
But may I encourage you to look farther down the road? Look at the character you would like your child(ren) to exhibit as adults and make the investment in that character now; no matter the energy it may require.
Children do not get spoiled because they are loved too much, they get spoiled because of inconsistent parenting and no clear boundaries.I am no parenting expert by any means, nor am I a psychologist, but I am a parent and I have seen how this all works. I like to tell parents that they can do this job, they can make it through the harder times and enjoy their children now and as they get older. However, it takes time and commitment.
The short term "yes" may give you peace for the moment, but the harder "no" may give you peace for many years. Think about it.
There is a lot of love behind a “no”.
Be the Parent: see the results

Get some sleep!

I am often asked how to get a child to sleep through the night. If you have ever watched Super Nanny you have received some great instruction on the topic. The point is, if you go to your children every time they cry after you put them down to sleep, you are telling them, “you are unable to go to sleep without me and if you cry I will come and help you get to sleep. Every time and all the time.” Is that REALLY what you want to do? I did not want to spend every night in a “get-back-in-your-bed-and-stop-crying” routine, which happens as your infant becomes a toddler that never learned how to go to sleep on his or her own. After learning from the first child, I parented smarter!
Infants need us- they depend on us for their very livelihood; they can not take care of themselves. So we feed and change and rock them…and sometimes they still cry. Crying is a child’s language- as you get used to your child you begin to understand the “I’m hungry” cry or the “my tummy hurts” cry. Or even the “I am wet and can’t stand it” cry. But sometimes, baby just needs to cry. And as long as all of his or her needs have been met, they are comfortable (not too hot and not too cold) and in a safe position, it is ok to let them cry. Maybe you let them cry for a few minutes the first night before going to him or her, and then 15 minutes the next, until eventually your baby is crying for a short period of time and drifting off to sleep without any patting or rocking from you. And if he or she wakes up in the night they will be able to go back to sleep without crying to get you back in the room so YOU can put them back to sleep. It really can be done. But it is all up to you. Decide what message you want your child to receive from you and act on it. I like the message: I love you and know you can go to sleep without me!
Teach your 3 year old( or what-ever age) that she can not come into your bed and sleep with you in the middle of the night by saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Put her back to bed a few nights in a row and you won’t have to deal with feet in your back or under your chin for months on end!
Everyone wins and the whole family is happier! Be the PARENT and get a good night’s sleep!

Teach and Train.

Aren’t you glad that you are not given a job to do (without any training) expected to do it right from the start? It makes me think of the old I LOVE LUCY show when she and Ethel are on the candy making conveyer line. They didn’t get much practice before they were expected to do the job of covering candy in chocolate quickly and efficiently. They wound up with candy everywhere!
When I am at work and I am being trained to do a new task usually someone is working with me to show me how to do it and answer any questions. At some point I branch out and try it on my own but have someone there to remind me how to use the new program or create a new invoice. I sure am glad that I am not just expected to KNOW it or get fired!
Very often we tell a child to do (or NOT to do) something and then discipline if they don’t respond correctly. I would encourage you to teach and train your children BEFORE going for the discipline. Discipline AFTER your child has mastered something you have taught him but chooses to disobey. Take standing on the coffee table as an example; first, make sure you are setting a good example, don’t stand on the coffee table (lol) . Second, teach your 18 month old not to stand on the coffee table by removing him and telling him “we do not stand on the coffee table” while setting his feet on the floor—repeatedly. Yes, over and over and over again. It is not a FUN thing to do but sometimes teaching is required but not enjoyable. When you see him look at the table and choose NOT to climb on it, tell him how great it is that he is NOT climbing on the table. At this point you know he is beginning to understand that he should not climb on the table. AFTER this point if he chooses to climb on the coffee table you can reinforce what you have taught with age appropriate discipline, perhaps by scolding when you remove him- giving the instruction “we do not stand on the table” a little more sternly and setting him on a stool or small chair for a few seconds. You may have to work at teaching and training for a little while each day for a few days but he will get the idea. The point is not to expect your young child (at most any age) to hear an instruction ONE time and immediately know how to act accordingly.
Be the PARENT and get the results! Stick with it! Teach and train before you discipline.

Vacation Blues?

If you can hardly wait for spring break or summer vacation to be over because YOU can’t stand being with your own kids….who WILL be able to stand being with your children now, as they become teenagers and when they are adults? What kind of friends will they attract in high school, or what kind of person will WANT to marry them?
The key is to create an environment within your home where there is peace and where you all WANT to be. A place where no one person is overbearing and controlling but that the members of your household learn to respect each other and find ways to get along. Is my house ALWAYS peaceful? NO! Are there days when siblings just don’t want to live with each other any more? YES! But more days than not, they find ways to get along. Some days there are arguments, other days they are playing cards and board-games or going to movies together. Some days there is crying , but lots of days there is laughter. My house is the house that my kids friends like to come to. Not because it is perfect by any means, but because we love one another and try to look out for the best interest of each other. And we like to have fun.
Yes, my children are older now, but I remember the younger days when I had 5 children from teens to toddlers running around the house. Believe me, 5 kids make lots of noise no matter the age ( EVEN NOW!). But I loved having my kids home then and I love having my kids home now. Am I SUPER MOM? NO!! I am just working hard at helping my family respect each other – even if there are days they don’t like each other and to love each other through thick and thin. Blood IS thicker than water, and if you don’t feel like your family loves you and has your back, you can become a very lost soul.
Be the PARENT! Take back your home, make it a place of co-operation and respect. Bring back the fun and peace. GET THE RESULTS!! ENJOY your children ( they won’t live with you fore
ver)!!!

The Daddy Way

Did you ever notice that men do not multi-task? When a woman is waiting for the waffles to pop-up out of the toaster, she wipes down the stove, fills the dog's water bowl, or puts dishes in the dishwasher..etc. When a man is waiting for the waffles to pop-up out of the toaster he is thinking about how long it takes and wonders if it is possible to warm the waffles up in his hands and serve the waffles to the kids semi-frozen. Neither way is wrong, they are just very different.
By and large dads are made to play rough-and-tumble with the kids, and as long as the child is not being intimidated or harmed AND the child is enjoying himself-- then let the airplane rides begin. They are making their own bonds with their kids and forging their own relationships and memories.
Dads don't always do things the way moms do. Mom, if you leave the kids with their dad while you go out , please do not expect the routine he adheres to to be the same as yours; he may feed the kids cereal for lunch, let them nap in the living room and use duct tape to close a stubborn diaper. As long as the children are safe, fed, clothed ( even in miss-matched outfits) and not in wet or dirty diapers....I would say mission accomplished! When we dog the dads because they didn't do it OUR way, we are just setting them up to be uncooperative in volunteering for future dad-days with the kids, after all, who wants to hear that the job they have done is all wrong?
Coach a dad who may not know all the requirements of being the at-home parent in charge, even leave lists to be helpful with nap times, bottle schedules, and where the extra diapers are-- and most of it he will figure out on his own.
Do not expect the house to be in order or the dishes to be in the dishwasher when you get home- just plan on finding your children having fun with the man who loves them as much as you do.
Be the Parents: share the load!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

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Gimmy, gimmy!

"But I NEEEEED it!!" are words often heard hearlded throughout Walmart. Not just from kids either, and quite often in my own head! Bright and shiney NEW things can be very attractive, and the millions spent on advertiseing yearly prove the success of ~ if you see it you want it!
But what about teaching our children the difference, say, between "want" and "need"? Do they (we, I) really NEEED it or is it a desire? Not that wants and desires are bad, but they are not imperative. And giving into every want makes for a dissatisfied child who becomes an adult who can not delay gratification- he/she has got to have it NOW, at any cost. And like all shiney things, the NEW wears off and they are on to the next thing they HAVE to have. Do we really want to raise adults like that?
Loving a child does not make a child spoiled, not setting limits does. Not teaching a child to wait for, or earn something they would like to have is a disservice to that child. It may be helpful to us to keep them quiet now, but in the long run we are feeding greed.
So, what to do in the dept. store or grocery store when your child starts with the "I wants" and the "I neeeed its"? First: calmly ask your child if they think they really need what they are asking for ( on a hot day a drink of water really IS a need!) or if it is just something they think they want-- teach them the difference.
Second: if is is within their power to spend their own money on it, you might offer that as an option. I have seen MANY children stop their demands when they realized THEY would have to pay for the item. Or, suggest that they put it on their 'wish' list for their birthday, Christmas or Chanukah . You will be teaching them delayed gratification ( if you don't teach it who will?) and a cool down period when deciding what to purchase rather than impulse buying.
Third: offer to let your child earn the money ( for non-essentials) by doing chores around the house. Promoting that feeling of accomplishment when he/she marches in the store with their hard earned money for a well thought-out purchase.
Now, what if the child is TWO you are screaming at the screen............THAT is more about tantrum control. You create the monster by giving a toy or treat EVERYTIME you enter a store, and you have to defuse that same monster. You will need to talk briefly about it BEFORE you enter the store and then STICK TO YOUR DECISION!! DO NOT GIVE IN! Will there be tears? YES, and your two year old will cry too ( lol), but the both of you will get through it! The first NO is the hardest. But eventually you will both get the hang of it. Can there be rewards for a child who sits still through the long ordeal of a big weekly shopping trip- YES> But better still, do yourselves a favor and leave your small children at home with an adult or baby sitter to save them from the torture! It would be the equivalent of you having to sit through 2 hours of stand-still traffic with no music and no cell phone!! I used to shop at 10:00 at night when my husband came home so that I could go without children which is sooooo much better for all involved.
Remember that you are not raising children you are raising adults and 35 years olds having greedy tantrums is just not pretty!
Be the parent: teach self control!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Can I write that check with crayon?

A mother really asked me that one day. Is it any surprise? She was digging down into her survival bag- aka- diaper bag, and all she could get her hands on was a crayon. The needs of the child were being met , but what of those of the mother?
I often remind mothers to take care of themselves first! Is may sound selfish, but you can't take care of someone else if your life is being depleted. When we are given instructions on an airplane we are told that if the oxygen masks drop down- PUT YOUR MASK ON FIRST, and THEN put the mask on your child. Why? Because if you pass out from lack of oxygen you will be of no help to your child!
To be the best mom- or parent you can be- you have to take care of yourself. You know, do all the things your mom always told you to do~ eat right, sleep enough, take vitamins....etc., but add to that list-- take care of your spirit and your soul ( your mind, will and emotions). If you pour yourself all out for your children, you will eventually empty out and heaven help those standing within hearing distance when THAT happens. It is commonly called "burn-out", but most moms know it as "someone-standing-on-my-last-nerve". Often that is when the serene "may I help you?" mommy begins to yell things like "WHAT do you want now?!?".
How do you take care of your spirit and soul? What things did you like to do bc (before children)? Yes, you CAN remember if you try hard enough. Or, what things would you like to try doing that you haven't MADE time for? Your husband will do himself a favor if he makes time for you to recharge your batteries. It is a win-win situation. He gets time to hang out with the kids with no interference and you get to do something you like to do. At the end of the day, everyone is happy.
Be the mom: you take care of others, take good care of yourself!

Monday, April 6, 2009

Be The Parent

AS I write this article, one of my children is cleaning their room, another is working on a school project, one is in Montana, and one is in Missouri on spring break with friends. The other is in her apartment in Nashville but called a little while ago to let me know what she was doing. I just finished helping one son with his taxes , there are clothes in the dryer that need to be folded, 2 cats that need to be fed ( and the litter scooped , yuck) one bathroom that needs cleaning and it is time to go to bed. Sound familiar? Not enough time and oh, so much to do! No wonder there is little time to do the things we WANT to do with our children! Most of our time is spent in what I call “fly-by parenting”, you know, the “hey, stop-hitting-your-sister- get- your –shoes- on -and -get –in- the- car -because –we- are- late- again “ parenting.
Wouldn’t you like it to be different? Wouldn’t you like your children to obey what you say- without a fight? Wouldn’t you like to have more smiles in your house and less whining? From you AND your children?
It is possible but it will take a little effort and time. It is like when you bring your sweet bundle-of-joy home from the hospital and then it turns into a crying a machine. You eventually know ( and hear from MANY friends) that if you let them cry it out for a few nights- they will sleep through the night- which is infinitely better than hearing them cry each night for a few months! You don’t believe it, but if you brave it out, you are delighted that it works! The same is true for your parenting, if you will invest a few days of concentrated parenting, you will enjoy better behavior from your children! But, you gotta BE THE PARENT!!
I am no parenting expert, I consider myself a parenting coach having earned my title though the school of hard knocks and experience. I teach parenting classes and mentor young moms and enjoy helping parents be all they can be, yeah, kind of like the Army.
The first lesson: consistency. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t be a wimp and bargain with your child; don’t try to talk them into doing what they are supposed to do, teach them the boundaries that they need in their lives. Let your “yes” mean “yes” and your “no” mean “NO”. If you say “yes, you may have a cookie”, your children know you mean it and don’t have to ask repeatedly. One “yes” and they move for that cookie. Why isn’t it the same when you say “no”? Because they know you don’t mean it! They know that if they ask repeatedly, you will most likely cave-in by the 18th or 19th time. Sometimes they are surprised, and delighted that you give in at pestering mile marker 12! Teach your children to be reliable by being reliable. Make them understand that there are real consequences in this life if we do not do the things we should and even greater consequences if we do the things we shouldn’t! If you don’t do the work in REAL life, you don’t get the paycheck! Try being consistent for 3 days straight and watch your children learn to believe that what you say is TRUE and that they can trust you.
Be- DEPENDABLE MOM, and grow dependable children!