What I learned Teaching Parenting Classes In Prison

   

  What I learned in prison.
     I learned that the women in the prison started out as girls with dreams for a bright future. They are surprised when the first lesson I teach in a parenting class is that you can't give what you don't have--- so you have to love and take care of yourself first. It is thought provoking when I say-- if you are full of anger and bitterness, anger and bitterness seep into your life and into your parenting. They are shocked and saddened when I talk about what healthy parenting looks like. They are women who have been wounded in their upbringing  but are beginning to understand that they can make better choices to influence their own children and change the future. That they may have had a bad beginning, but they can have a better finish. I learned that tears flow freely-- as we touch deep wounds and look to be healed, healthy and whole. And I am blessed that they trust me enough to share their lives with me.

     The ladies that attend my parenting class, in a Prison for Women where I teach, want me to share something with you:
       Ladies, if the man you are living with is abusive or aggressive with you-- and you think it is ok because he isn't that way with the kids---more than likely he WILL flip a switch and be abusive with your children at some point. And if anything happens to your kids-- not only will you have to live with the remorse and guilt that you could have saved your child from that pain or death, you will also be held accountable. It is called "Failure to Protect".

     If he uses ( drugs) of any kind and you know about it and anything happens to your kids-- again, not only will you have to live with knowing you could have prevented a tragedy-- you will be held accountable.

     If the man you are living with is verbally abusive or if he is aggressive in his approach to discipline the children -- locking them in their room, locking them out of the house, failing to provide or withholding food and things they need--and anything happens to them,  you will be held accountable.

      They want you to know: trust your gut and read the red flags--- making sure your children have a house to live in, food to eat and clothes to wear is NOT the reason to stay. It does not make it all right to sacrifice their wellbeing. What your children carry with them-- if they survive-- is a wound so deep it becomes a part of who they are, they will let it become their new normal and allow it to be repeated later in their lives. They will live with it or marry it.
     If your kids have to keep family secrets-- if they can't tell everything that is going on in your home and are forced to believe it isn't sooo bad- if you find yourself making excuses for his behavior----take your children and get out. NOW.
      This warning comes from women who are doing time, not because they abused their children but because they did not get their children out of unstable living conditions and something bad happened. They are doing prison time for "failure to protect".
      They said that if just one of you who reads this gets up, packs up and takes your children to a safer place, they will be happy to have saved a life. 

      One of the things I have discussed with the ladies in the Parenting class is what it cost their children for their mom to be doing prison time. They are quite sure that what their children are going through with their mom in prison is far worse than it would have been to leave an unstable home and start a new life.

      They aren't kidding. Failure to provide is no joke.

BE THE MOM: Think beyond today. Trust your instinct to get out. "Not so bad" IS bad. Protect your children at all cost.

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To the guy in row I seat 14 at the baseball game: REALLY?

   

A comfortable night with a slight breeze, pitchers warming up, vendors hawking peanuts and people, happy for the reprieve from the heat, all a buzz on the long holiday weekend;  it was a great evening to watch a baseball game!  A family friendly event,  kids were excited to be out at the ball field  --some not really sure what all the hub-bub was about , but certainly happy with all the popcorn and cotton candy being passed their way and  some wearing their ball gloves in hopes of catching a foul ball.  A cute  little girl with pigtails was thrilled with her mascot OZZIE stuffed toy while other kids were exuberantly bopping each other, their parents and anyone sitting within reach with the blow-up boppers handed out as we arrived...all in good fun. We were all having a grand old time.
     People watching, I  noticed a 5 or 6 year old on an iphone watching something-or-other with wearing some cushy and cool headphones -- which made me notice other folks occupied with their electronics as well.
     My mind wondered to writing an article about the current preoccupation with electronics for this generation-- especially as a pacifier for young children. We need to be entertained while at an entertaining event??  Is it any wonder that our children have short attention spans-- they watch a piece of a video on the way to school, a piece of another on the way to the store, nothing complete and no time without electronics in their faces. The only electronics we had as kids were lightning bugs in a jar!  I understand the use of  entertainment devices on long trips...but even then, what ever happened to engaging in sing-alongs or counting cows? After all, we traveled as kids with nothing but a coloring book and eager eyes for a good game of "I Spy With My Little Eye......." ........
     My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a choo-choo train behind me. Right behind me. No biggie, the game had not started yet. By the conversation going on behind me in row I,  I surmised that it was small boy, his dad and HIS dad...or, grandpa with grandma next and then mom. Dad and grandpa were in charge of small boy. Small boy was not entertained by the baseball game and wanted to watch something on dad's phone.
     And then watch another game or video. . And another. Dad suggested that small boy might want to put the game away and watch the baseball game like he was. Small boy ( of course) said "no". Small boy continued with his electronics. He was entertained but I was not. But you know...it is what it is. I glanced back a few times and covered my left ear--- as my head was turned to the left to WATCH the game-- to muffle the sound ( and yes, to give a little subtle hint-hint).  At the beginning of the 7th inning, there was some seat switching and small boy wound up in dad's lap directly behind me which put the ipone within inches of my ear. The new game was even louder. So....yeah I did-- I turned and politely asked, "Would it be possible to turn down the volume?". The dad said yes...and I THOUGHT that was that.
      Seventh inning stretch. All is good. I didn't realize right away that the dad had taken small boy off somewhere. And then the guy from Row I seat 14 came back....quite stirred up now, apparently, because  over my shoulder ( not to my face) he proceeded to blast me...."THANKS for having patience with a 3 year old at a base ball game!". Heads turned our way from several rows. Caught off-guard, the only thing I could think to say was, " I asked only that the volume be turned down". Again I got , "THANKS for being patient with a THREE YEAR OLD at a base ball game!!" and he grabs his pack and walks away. All eyes still staring at me. Fun.
     Why are the "could have saids" so tardy? I COULD have said I love kids and have had patience as I raised 5 children of my own-- and never had one problem at this ball field with any of them or complaints from people around them EVER . I COULD have said, I have been teaching Parenting classes for 10 years and I would be glad to give him some pointers.
     But what I SHOULD have said ways "You are SO welcome!".  Because enduring videogames in the ear for 7 innings IS quite patient.
BE THE PARENT: Kids are kids ; be aware of the age appropriateness of  any event to which you take them. They don't want to be bored with what doesn't catch their attention any more than you want to constantly entertain them. If you need to use electronics-- be considerate and pack headphones so everyone enjoys the event!
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