Who Are You Calling Strong Willed?

      What do you call a strong willed child? Well, some people call them difficult, willful,spirited and disruptive. We just call them ..OURS!
     Recently, I spoke to a group of moms about Discipline and The Strong Willed Child. Whew, what a topic. But I guess it takes one to know one...."strong will"  runs in my family. The trick is using the character traits of a strong willed child for good and not evil!
     Is a strong willed child birthed or created? The common consensus is - BOTH! The way a child is wired, the way he learns and sees the world shapes how he will respond to what is going on around him. Strong willed children are smart and often believe that justice should reign...even in an unjust world. They work hard to get the pieces to fit but are not usually tactful about any perceived injustice they experience. Thus the label "difficult". We, however, can cause a child to become strong willed if we are controlling and demanding; some children don't take kindly to being yelled at!
     The strong willed child may look at you and say, " You can't MAKE me!", but he CAN be persuaded. Lets look at it this way: a compliant child may respond positively to a simple request to take cookies to her grandma while the exact same request may make a strong willed child balk. But if you say to your swc," would you please take these cookies to grandma because she fell and would really appreicate them"...THEN he will do what you have asked him to do....most of the time :-).
     Intense, persistent, sensitive, ridgid and energetic may describe strong willed people, but also describes good leaders and those who are willing to fight for their rights and the rights of others. If you can help the swc understand that he doesn't have to be controlling and domineering, he can become a good leader.
     I would like to tell you that the formula for disciplining a strong willed child is 2 time outs and 3 early to beds...and viola, he becomes compliant. Wouldn't THAT be lovely! After you stop laughing, remember that how you approach your child may determine how effective your discipline is. If you are strong willed --know when to back down and back off because a stand-off means no one gets what he wants and yelling means you have lost control-- of yourself. You can not teach self-control without demonstrating it. Pick your battles, be firm but fair, stay focused ( do NOT let the swc get you off track!) and give choices. Strong willed children are from the school of hard knocks, they would rather experience than listen. The best form of training is cause and effect: "if you want to ride your bike, you MUST wear your helmet-- no helmet, no bike"; "if you push to get up front, you will be moved to the back of the line",etc. The best forms of discipline * remove the child from the disruption ( if he is causing an argument, send him to time out)  but if he is throwing a fit, *remove yourself from his presence; * find the currency  that motivates your child and use it as leverage ( "you won't clean up your room? No beloved X-box until you do"); and finally, *make it clear! Anything you want him to do or not to do has to be clear and if you say there will be a consequence, you better make it happen. He HAS to believe you or all is lost. There is a lot of love in a NO!
    Raising a strong willed child takes work, but that work in the early years provides great dividends as he grows up. My oldest swc hiked the Appalachian Trail ( I think because someone told him it couldn't be done) and is proud of his accomplishment. Three of my other children are working their way through college...determined to get it done-- no matter what! They have had great adventures - including out of country mission trips and are good leaders We sometimes have too many cooks in the kitchen, so to speak, but we really enjoy being together and know that we have each others back!

Tis The Season To Be Frazzled, Fa La La La La La, lalalala

     In what universe did we have FREE time that we can now fill with Christmas shopping? I have always had a deep respect for full-time moms, but I have a new found respect for women who work full time, go home to take care of children and household AND pull off a magical Christmas! Lets face it, at the end of any one's day.....there is little or no energy to trudge through the crowded stores to score the perfect gift~ or crank up the ovens to create Christmas confections! So, what is a woman to do??
     For most it is too late to do a little shopping here and a little shopping there to be done by the 1st of December- then having Dec to just enjoy the Holiday activities- wouldn't THAT be Joyful! But it is not too late to let your fingers do the walking through the web pages! I have found that many companies are still offering free shipping and when you stack that with on-line coupons...there are some deals to be had. Shopping from the couch in your jammies will make the savings and/or convenience even sweeter. If you are apprehensive about ordering online, stick with the larger companies you recognize and places like Amazon or Overstock.com.
     Hitting the malls? To keep your sanity, I would also suggest NOT TAKING YOUR CHILDREN out shopping with you. Make a plan... organize a day when grandparents keep the kids so you and hubs can fight through the crowds and knock that list out together~ which should include a nice dinner I might add. Single mom? Make arrangements with gal-pals to swap child care and go out shopping with another friend ( having someone to talk through purchases with can make your time more productive and lessen impulse buying).
     If you are like me, you may not have large sums of money at one time and have to shop week to week. Follow the same game plan~on line shopping and/or have someone watch the kids while you shop with a friend and a LIST!
     Short on cash ( still looking for the universe where there is extra money too!)? The year before last my family declared that all gifts had to come from GoodWill, McKays ( used book store) or any other second-hand store. It was one of the best Christmases we have EVER had! Siblings found classic Disney CDs in a gift set for a sister who loves the music from old Disney movies. We found great books on CDs for Uncles who are on the road a lot, great classic DVD Movies, some beautiful ceramic kitchen serving dishes that matched an Aunt's kitchen perfectly, and fabulous linen napkins for a family member who is going "green". Where there is a will to hunt there is a way to shop and still give gifts during this season of celebrating the Birthday of Jesus!
     And do not forget the joy home baked goods bring to harried people who do not have time to bake for themselves ( I have a sister-in-law that bakes fudge pies for the men in the family every year and woe-be-it-unto-her if she should try to show up at the family Christmas gathering without them!)....there are some cute plates or containers at the dollar store that can make the gift even more festive.
     Ms Cheap had a great article in the Sunday Tennessean rekindling the practice of giving coupons as gifts to one another. Wouldn’t YOU be thrilled to get a coupon for free babysitting, a day of cleaning your house or yard, or a dinner delivered to your door? The people on your list feel the same...the promise of a special night out with just mom and/or dad is a THRILL for children beyond compare!
     Keep it simple and remember it is not about finding the PERFECT gift ( if one does exist) it IS about the people. Your kids really do want fun time with you making Gingerbread houses more than the gift that will be broken or forgotten before next Christmas rolls around. I have NEVER heard anyone complain when given a gift of any kind because it really is the thought that counts. Being remembered and blessed by family and friends recharges our Joy and declares the Love we have for one another.
    All of this is to say, the only way to enjoy the Christmas season with your children is to get your frustrations with the WORK that goes along with the holidays under control by making a plan and executing it.
     Merry Christmas! Be the Mom~ Shop without them and then sing with your kids and enjoy the sights, sounds and tastes of Christmas together. Share the Joy!

Do You Know Where Your Children Are?

     More often than not, the question...."do you know where your children are"  is directed toward parents of teens. But I would toss that question out to all parents. "WHAT?" You say..."how can anyone not know where their young children are?"  And the answer would be...you would be surprised!
     I recently talked with a life guard who works year-round at a local swim club. I asked him if he had ever had to save a life and he had a few stories to share.  His stories of heroism seemed to have a theme....he had to jump in and save children who were unsupervised, children who were more or less left for the guards to tend. For example: one parent had walked away leaving a 3 year old in a float while she went to the sauna. This young life guard had to turn the child right-side-up after she had flipped over because no adult was with her. Other children found themselves in water over their head because their mothers were more interested in sun bathing than in the whereabouts of their child.
      My pet peeve is watching parents walk with purpose to accomplish their own agenda while their children...even toddlers.... follow behind like little ducklings in a PARKING LOT! Small children can not be seen by drivers backing out of a parking space....they NEED the watchful eyes of their parents.
     Have we become so fixated on our own importance and needs ~ not to mention our cell phones~ that we have forgotten our JOBS as parents? Have we imposed our parental duties on life guards and expected THEM to babysit our children? Have we asked the same of movie ushers, people who work at the mall or in play areas at restaurants?
     Our children need our eyes, ears and wisdom to help them grow and become the wonderful adults we envision. Please do not think that I am saying that every accident a child suffers through is the parent's fault through negligence. Accidents DO happen. My encouragement is for parents to check in and be present with their children.
    Take if from an almost empty-nester, the years go by WAY too fast. You may not believe it right now, but before long you are going to be longing for opportunities to have conversations with your children. 
     When they were young, there were no video players mysteriously dropping from the ceiling of the car to entertain my children ( yes, I am THAT old), all they had was me. We sang silly songs, and the kids learned how to count by counting cows or cars and they learned their colors and letters from road signs. (I have wondered recently if our children will be directionally challenged and lack the skills to read  maps because they are constantly watching movies while riding in the car and the parents depend on the GPS to get them where they want to go. Just a thought.)
    You may get your hair wet when the kids are splashing in the pool, but the smiles you share while your young child is leaning how to swim will be memories you keep in your heart  looong after your  suntan fades. And you might just try skipping as you hold your child's hand as you maneuver through the parking lot. Our children deserve our attention and care as well as our encouragement and protection.
     Remember, you have a captive audience when you are driving down the road in your min-van or SUV. Your kids may moan when you sing to the oldies-but-goodies, but before long they will join in and giggle along.
     Tune in, connect and share the joy.
     Be the Parent: Be present.

Fall Fun

The house is quiet; all my children have gone their respective ways~ one is living on a college campus, one in his apartment, one is at work, one is house sitting and one has flown away to Hawaii for a special Autumn vacation. There were times when the kids were little that I would have given away a kidney to barter some quiet time. Note to self: it isn't all it is cracked up to be. You laugh because, with young children nipping at your heels, you can't seem to imagine what "quiet" would be like.
The moral of today's story? Enjoy your children while they are young and you can still keep them contained in one spot.
Step outside and you will find that it is not too hot and not too cold, it is juuuust right. The weather is perfect to gather the gang (as well as some borrowed kids if you have room in your mini-van) and enjoy the delights of Autumn.
It seems that October is ooober yard sale month....folks have waited for this cooler weather to sit outside with their treasures for sale, and a kid with only change in his pocket can really wrack up with some interesting finds~ which are liable to keep him busy for ....hours. Now is the time to take a nature walk ~ fewer bugs means more fun~ there are acorns and colorful leaves to be collected for examination and fall collages. Fall Festivals and October Fest ( check your local news paper as well as Ms Cheap's list (@ www.tennessean.com)  fill the air with music and aromas too luscious to ignore offering sausages, funnel cakes and hot cider to sample.
My absolute favorite fall destination is Keller's Corny Country~ Pumpkin Patch and Corn Maze ~in Dickson TN which provides family fun for all ages! From monster slide to niblet corn ride, through corn bin and playground, with the promise of finding the PERFECT pumpkin at the end of the hayride~ TN's finest agritourism  provides hours of outdoor exercise and entertainment. I have seen many adults enjoy coffee around the bonfire while the children chased the pig~ just think about how long your children will nap after running around in the fresh air for hours J
So get lost in a corn maze with your kids on purpose and prepare for lots of laughs as well as a lifetime of great memories. Oh, and~ don't forget the camera!

http://www.kellerscornycountry.com/index.html

http://www.visittnfarms.com to find a pumpkin patch near you

Where have all the Parents gone?

One of my daughters went to StarBucks for coffee with a friend last night , they we enjoying a conversation in the comfy chairs when a young couple came in with their 2 children. As the parents ordered their double-shot skinny Mocha Lattes the  kids did what kids are naturally drawn to do...they went over to see the nice ladies.  The 4 year old boy started with  "watch me, watch me!" as he put his hands on two chairs swinging himself back and forth -shoving the chair my daughter was sitting in  to get a better swinging field - while his sister leaned over the arm of the big chair putting herself between my daughter and her friend. All the while the parent's just smiled. At one point they cautioned the children not to bump and spill the ladies' coffee...but that was all the parenting that was done. This couple thought their little entertainers were in StarBucks to share their time and talents with the customers- the customers where not of the same mind.
It amazes me how oblivious parents can be to their impact on society....good and bad. Little Princess standing on the table belting out " The sun will come out to-mah-wow...." may be all fun and games at your family reunion...but not so much at the local eatery ( unless she is American Idol- show stopping worthy). And I am sorry, but I am NOT amused when your little man comes over to my table and asks if he can have a bite of my sandwich. You laugh, but you have seen it happen.
This is a wake up call to parents far and wide....look around you, look closely at the faces of the other patrons in the restaurant/ coffee house/ store and see if they are smiling or smirking. If their eyes are begging for rescue...coral your little munchkins and remember the personal space rules.
Just because you feel relief being out of the house and finding someone else to whom your son can yell "watch me, watch ME" doesn't give you the right to abdicate your parenting role and turn off your conscience connection to the rules of polite society. It does matter, it isn't cute and and I want my personal space back.
On the flip side of this tirade.... keep putting  your little girl's hair in those little palm-tree pigtails....they really do make us smile and when your little guy tries to hold the door open for us it makes our day. I make it a point to compliment  kids when they are at the grocery store ( or out in public) behaving nicely ( yes, I am one of THOSE women)...I think it is smart to reward good behavior and  a mom should get an atta-boy when she has taught her kids not to go buck-wild.  We, the other diners at the restaurant, understand if your little guy has to get up from the table because he just can't sit any longer...just keep him by your table...don't let him ruin the meal for people at other tables. And if your little girl plays peek-a-boo over the back of the booth, while it may be cute at first...know that the people in the other booth will grow tired of it quickly ...so put a stop to the game. And PLEASE, if you are in church, at a movie or listening to a speaker....if your child starts to make noise.....happy OR sad noise..., forgo the entertainment for the sake of the other people present and remove your child from the room.
I know you are tired and I KNOW parenting 24/7 is hard...but think about what you are teaching your children - if there are no boundaries, they can not learn self-control.
 It is all about inhabiting the same space in peace.
Be the Parent: Be Aware!

New Look

It can be fun to make changes, I enjoyed making changes to this blog page. We like making changes to our hair, make-up and nails, we spruce up our homes with new paint and wall-paper, and may even trade the old car for a newer model.
Some kids find comfort in familiarity and balk at any changes. We know the kids who can NOT sleep without a certain blanket or stuffed animal and will insist that you say goodnight to ALL his dinosaurs on the shelf- in order- ....and will not let you get away with skipping just one ( no matter how tired and desperate you are to get into your own bed). Many kids become agitated and cranky when routines are changed and may resist sleeping in the Pack-N-Play at Grandma's house, no matter how much you WISH they would just lay down and go to sleep.
Whats a mother to do? Do all you can (within reason) to make your child feel safe and secure. Remember that it won't be like this forever, things will right themselves before he or she is ready to go off to college.
There are those kids who like to make changes too~~ little Susie wants to be a princess and insists on being called Cinderella ....she will answer to nothing else. But you may notice that that is as far as the change goes and Cinderella will ONLY where one dress....day and night. This has become her new comfort zone and coaxing her to wear shorts and T shirt to go out for dinner will do you no good.
So the question is : do you force her to wear something other than the princess dress and answer to her real name?
I am no child psychologist but past experience is an excellent teacher and my encouragement is to remember that this too shall pass. Preserve relationship and celebrate your child's unique personality...so what if some old biddy raises her eyebrow at you in a public place? If your child is happy and no harm is being done....perhaps there is a tiara you can wear to be a part of Cinderella's court!
We recently had a bowling party for one of my siblings. My sister-in-law showed up with my 6 year old niece who was wearing a blue flowered sundress over a red and white baseball shirt, along with black footless tights and black dress shoes. I was so excited to see that my sister-in-law had not let any embarrassment keep her from allowing her daughter to express her independence and individuality! I was congratulating her when she explained to me that going out in public was nothing...the hard part was learning that it had been picture day at school! ARGH! But the truth is that day came and went and there will be some interesting pictures to add to the baby book.
Your child will let you know if change is good~ listen~ your child is telling you something!

Follow the Leader

I was recently reminded about how animals, especially ducklings and chicks, follow the first thing they see move after they have hatched. It is called Imprinting.... much study has gone into the whys and wherefores of it all. All I know is that when one of my brothers was a teenager a girlfriend gave him a purple chick for Easter and that little fluffy thing followed him around like he was the chicks mother. Back and forth they went through the house.....my football playing brother with a purple chick at his heels. It really was quite funny!
You have probably noticed with your own children that they learn what they see modeled in front of them. We can work with them all day long to say please and thank-you. We remind and they practice...but they usually need prompting again and again to use it at the right time. But you let go of ONE good #@&% and your child will repeat it, with accuracy and perfect enunciation, under similar circumstances with witnesses. For example, if you get frustrated behind someone who is blocking your way in traffic and finally just shout out a #+@& in anger... sure enough, while your child is trying to get past someone in the isle at church, that little munchkin will let out a great big #+@& just like mom or dad- accurate the first time!
My point? We teach and train but kids follow what they witness and live. It is ridiculous to yell at our children and yet expect that they won't yell at their siblings or other kids--- or back at YOU! If we are couch potatoes, they will be couch potatoes; if we eat junk food, they will eat junk food; if we show kindness to other people, they will show kindness...and so on and so forth. You get the picture. As my dear old mom used to say, "you don't get pears from an apple tree". We produce what we are.
So, what's a mother to do? Decide what type of adult you want your child to grow up to be....and BE THAT. If you want honest children...don't lie ( like telling your husband to say you aren't at home to the person on the phone-- with your child standing right there!), if you want your child to like getting an education, show the love of reading and learning in your home, if you want your children to eat healthy foods...let them see you eating healthy foods and then serve the good stuff at family meals.
Be the role model your children need, be the person you want your children to be!

Olly Olly oxen free!

The air is cool for a July night and what a good time to be outside with your children! "Too much to get done"- you say? Nights like this sing to the child in you -- can Susie come out and play? There are fireflies to catch and neighborhoods to walk. Can you hear the swings at the park calling to one another underneath the street lights- forlorn that they have been forgotten?
Shake things up a bit, surprise your children...do something the child in you would be delighted with. The return on your investment will be lots of smiles and laughter-- not only from your children but also from you!
So often we get in the rut of telling the kids to straighten up and act right, clean up and do their homework that we may not realize that we have not connected with them on any other level than authoritarian. Those things do in deed have to get done- but at the cost of all fun and humor?
As adults we don't like our only connections with people we care about to come by way of orders, our children don't like it much either. I AM all about being the mom, but not just the "director" mom, there is a happy mom in there just dieing to get out too!
How about building great memories tonight....sit on the front porch and eat ice cream, or walk the neighborhood and share favorite memories. Better yet, go to the park ( if it is safe) and play imaginary base ball and when you hit your home-run, run all the bases and make crowd cheering noises! You won't regret it!
Be the mom: have fun with your kids.

The heart of a Mom.

Having children not only stretched my skin, it stretched my heart as well. I remember falling in love with my first child and the depth of it shocked me. When I became pregnant with my second child I had a panic attack wondering how in the world I was ever going to love this baby as much as I did my first. At some point, I really wondered just what I had gotten myself in to!!! You probably felt the same way too. And no matter how many friends said it would be fine..I would love them both, I just couldn't wrap my mind around it.
Then, WHAM, it happened.....my second darling was born and my heart stretched. Right there in front of God and everybody...it just happened, with no effort from me, I might add. Now, five children later, I have a heart the size of Kansas and the stretchmarks to prove it. ARGH!
Now, instead of staying up nights rocking babies, I stay awake waiting to hear them come in...THEN I can fall asleep. I don't care how old they get, they still carry a piece of my heart with them and nothing makes me happier than to have all the pieces at home at one time. That's when the heart swells so much my face leaks.
On this Mother's Day I reflect on the first flower I ever received from my son--- a slightly smushed dandelion, delivered in a chubby little hand with love and only the flowers from the rest of the kids can compare.
Happy Mother's Day!! BE THE MOM!!

This means WAR!

What part of this war did you think was going to be easy?

In this express-paced my-day-is-set-to-a-sound-track world our children are growing up in, there is a mega war going on for their attention as well as their self-image. Every day society is vying for our children's attention to persuade them to change or conform to an advertised image while we spend our time teaching our children our values as we work toward shaping their character. Christians use the Bible as their moral compass and guide, other religions use other guidelines...but we have our own set ideas and desires for the outcome~ raising compassionate adults who are productive in society - an asset rather than a burden- aware of their purpose in the world with the gumption to make things happen while being self-satisfied.

Did you ever expect to see TVs and dvd players in our cars? Why, when we were kids, we counted cows and liked it! But that is a whole 'nother rabbit trail! The point is ( yes, there IS a point) that daily, almost no matter where they are, our children are being not just influenced by, but assaulted with, ideas, images and heavy suggestions that they are not who they SHOULD be. On television- not just the commercials but also the character identification- in restaurants, in school, in the bathroom stall for that matter, while riding down the road- both roadside ads and radio , practically everywhere they look there is some ad or message to tell them what they have, do, need, or look like needs to be different if they are to be satisfied with their lives.

According to Jean Kilbourne, who has been studying ads' cultural impact for almost 20 years in an interview by Nan Knutsen:"....advertising's influence is cumulative and primarily unconscious. The less consciously we watch ads, the more deeply we are affected. The average American is exposed to more than 3000 ads a day, and companies spend over $200 billion each year on advertising." 200 BILLION dollars. Wow. I have had people tell me that advertising doesn't effect them. My thought is that it does influence us, otherwise the money wouldn't be spent in the trying. Who among us can't sing a jingle from ages ago? The messages are that we are not cool enough, tall enough, pretty enough, successful enough to be a an acceptable person, therefore we must ascribe to xyz to attain satisfaction.

So, what are our children learning? The next time little-boy throws a fit in the grocery store for some sugary sweet cereal, look beyond the taste buds to the message that cereal carries for him-- that he will only have fun and adventures if he eats that box of cereal. The next time little-girl acts out in the store to get the super short shirt to go with the micro-mini skirt, ask yourself if the message she has received is that she will only be accepted by the other girls as a worthy person if she dresses just like they do, OR that the boys will only pay attention if she follows the cool fashions- and, after-all, if boys don't notice us we have no value - do we?
What is a parent to do? Fight the good fight! Do not sit passively by and let this war rage for your child's self-image and esteem. Yes, parenting is hard. Yes, this war is difficult because this war is not age discriminatory and never ends. But if you are not counteracting this campaign, who will?

Let you children know that is not "stuff" that defines them. Some of you laugh at that because you are already ahead of the game, but haven't we all met people who, as adults, still don't get this message?

Self-satisfied people who know their own value raise children who know the same about themselves.
Be the parent: dispel the lies!