Follow the Leader

I was recently reminded about how animals, especially ducklings and chicks, follow the first thing they see move after they have hatched. It is called Imprinting.... much study has gone into the whys and wherefores of it all. All I know is that when one of my brothers was a teenager a girlfriend gave him a purple chick for Easter and that little fluffy thing followed him around like he was the chicks mother. Back and forth they went through the house.....my football playing brother with a purple chick at his heels. It really was quite funny!
You have probably noticed with your own children that they learn what they see modeled in front of them. We can work with them all day long to say please and thank-you. We remind and they practice...but they usually need prompting again and again to use it at the right time. But you let go of ONE good #@&% and your child will repeat it, with accuracy and perfect enunciation, under similar circumstances with witnesses. For example, if you get frustrated behind someone who is blocking your way in traffic and finally just shout out a #+@& in anger... sure enough, while your child is trying to get past someone in the isle at church, that little munchkin will let out a great big #+@& just like mom or dad- accurate the first time!
My point? We teach and train but kids follow what they witness and live. It is ridiculous to yell at our children and yet expect that they won't yell at their siblings or other kids--- or back at YOU! If we are couch potatoes, they will be couch potatoes; if we eat junk food, they will eat junk food; if we show kindness to other people, they will show kindness...and so on and so forth. You get the picture. As my dear old mom used to say, "you don't get pears from an apple tree". We produce what we are.
So, what's a mother to do? Decide what type of adult you want your child to grow up to be....and BE THAT. If you want honest children...don't lie ( like telling your husband to say you aren't at home to the person on the phone-- with your child standing right there!), if you want your child to like getting an education, show the love of reading and learning in your home, if you want your children to eat healthy foods...let them see you eating healthy foods and then serve the good stuff at family meals.
Be the role model your children need, be the person you want your children to be!

Olly Olly oxen free!

The air is cool for a July night and what a good time to be outside with your children! "Too much to get done"- you say? Nights like this sing to the child in you -- can Susie come out and play? There are fireflies to catch and neighborhoods to walk. Can you hear the swings at the park calling to one another underneath the street lights- forlorn that they have been forgotten?
Shake things up a bit, surprise your children...do something the child in you would be delighted with. The return on your investment will be lots of smiles and laughter-- not only from your children but also from you!
So often we get in the rut of telling the kids to straighten up and act right, clean up and do their homework that we may not realize that we have not connected with them on any other level than authoritarian. Those things do in deed have to get done- but at the cost of all fun and humor?
As adults we don't like our only connections with people we care about to come by way of orders, our children don't like it much either. I AM all about being the mom, but not just the "director" mom, there is a happy mom in there just dieing to get out too!
How about building great memories tonight....sit on the front porch and eat ice cream, or walk the neighborhood and share favorite memories. Better yet, go to the park ( if it is safe) and play imaginary base ball and when you hit your home-run, run all the bases and make crowd cheering noises! You won't regret it!
Be the mom: have fun with your kids.

The heart of a Mom.

Having children not only stretched my skin, it stretched my heart as well. I remember falling in love with my first child and the depth of it shocked me. When I became pregnant with my second child I had a panic attack wondering how in the world I was ever going to love this baby as much as I did my first. At some point, I really wondered just what I had gotten myself in to!!! You probably felt the same way too. And no matter how many friends said it would be fine..I would love them both, I just couldn't wrap my mind around it.
Then, WHAM, it happened.....my second darling was born and my heart stretched. Right there in front of God and everybody...it just happened, with no effort from me, I might add. Now, five children later, I have a heart the size of Kansas and the stretchmarks to prove it. ARGH!
Now, instead of staying up nights rocking babies, I stay awake waiting to hear them come in...THEN I can fall asleep. I don't care how old they get, they still carry a piece of my heart with them and nothing makes me happier than to have all the pieces at home at one time. That's when the heart swells so much my face leaks.
On this Mother's Day I reflect on the first flower I ever received from my son--- a slightly smushed dandelion, delivered in a chubby little hand with love and only the flowers from the rest of the kids can compare.
Happy Mother's Day!! BE THE MOM!!

This means WAR!

What part of this war did you think was going to be easy?

In this express-paced my-day-is-set-to-a-sound-track world our children are growing up in, there is a mega war going on for their attention as well as their self-image. Every day society is vying for our children's attention to persuade them to change or conform to an advertised image while we spend our time teaching our children our values as we work toward shaping their character. Christians use the Bible as their moral compass and guide, other religions use other guidelines...but we have our own set ideas and desires for the outcome~ raising compassionate adults who are productive in society - an asset rather than a burden- aware of their purpose in the world with the gumption to make things happen while being self-satisfied.

Did you ever expect to see TVs and dvd players in our cars? Why, when we were kids, we counted cows and liked it! But that is a whole 'nother rabbit trail! The point is ( yes, there IS a point) that daily, almost no matter where they are, our children are being not just influenced by, but assaulted with, ideas, images and heavy suggestions that they are not who they SHOULD be. On television- not just the commercials but also the character identification- in restaurants, in school, in the bathroom stall for that matter, while riding down the road- both roadside ads and radio , practically everywhere they look there is some ad or message to tell them what they have, do, need, or look like needs to be different if they are to be satisfied with their lives.

According to Jean Kilbourne, who has been studying ads' cultural impact for almost 20 years in an interview by Nan Knutsen:"....advertising's influence is cumulative and primarily unconscious. The less consciously we watch ads, the more deeply we are affected. The average American is exposed to more than 3000 ads a day, and companies spend over $200 billion each year on advertising." 200 BILLION dollars. Wow. I have had people tell me that advertising doesn't effect them. My thought is that it does influence us, otherwise the money wouldn't be spent in the trying. Who among us can't sing a jingle from ages ago? The messages are that we are not cool enough, tall enough, pretty enough, successful enough to be a an acceptable person, therefore we must ascribe to xyz to attain satisfaction.

So, what are our children learning? The next time little-boy throws a fit in the grocery store for some sugary sweet cereal, look beyond the taste buds to the message that cereal carries for him-- that he will only have fun and adventures if he eats that box of cereal. The next time little-girl acts out in the store to get the super short shirt to go with the micro-mini skirt, ask yourself if the message she has received is that she will only be accepted by the other girls as a worthy person if she dresses just like they do, OR that the boys will only pay attention if she follows the cool fashions- and, after-all, if boys don't notice us we have no value - do we?
What is a parent to do? Fight the good fight! Do not sit passively by and let this war rage for your child's self-image and esteem. Yes, parenting is hard. Yes, this war is difficult because this war is not age discriminatory and never ends. But if you are not counteracting this campaign, who will?

Let you children know that is not "stuff" that defines them. Some of you laugh at that because you are already ahead of the game, but haven't we all met people who, as adults, still don't get this message?

Self-satisfied people who know their own value raise children who know the same about themselves.
Be the parent: dispel the lies!

Momnesia

I know I had a blueberry muffin in my hand just a minute ago. I had it when I answered the phone- I remember because I wanted to take a bite when Sue asked me a question. But then as I was walking down the hall I noticed that the washing machine had stopped so I put the wet clothes in the dryer. The hammer that was on the dryer needed to go back to the tool box and while on my way to the garage I noticed that the cats needed to be fed. I MAY have had the hammer and muffin in my hand at the same time...but I am not sure. I KNOW I did not have it when I changed the baby's wet diaper and picked up the toys in his room. I was on my way back to the kitchen when Jane needed help finding her shoes and I discovered that her closet floor was a disaster! Closet cleaned....and I am hungry---now, where IS that muffin?
You are laughing, but you have had mornings just like this one.
Is there a cure for momnesia, not really. Perhaps the more organized you are the less you suffer from the condition. But if you have small children you know that the best plans and schedules are temporary and subject to change- on a moments notice.
If you have kids you have "situations", like dirty diapers, when you are trying to get everyone in the car to take sister to school that upset the time schedule. Or, lost ____( you fill in the blank: shoes, keys, blankie, pacifier...) that side track you from the direction you were heading. How about the creative moments-- little-one decides that butt paste is not just for butts anymore, even if the cat doesn't need it; Jr. discovers that jello looks pretty on baby sister's head or my favorite- after you have all the children dressed for church, the youngest winds up with lotion in her hair and on her dress.....the only clean dress that fits. ARGH!
What's a mom with momnesia supposed to do? Learn to laugh at the situation. The way I see it, you can loose it and make the moments worse, or you can take a deep breath, look at the bright side ( there is ALWAYS a bright side), deal with what IS ( the reality that you will be late for where you are going and everyone WILL be OK) and do the best you can.
Where was that muffin? In the freezer from when I took the chicken out to defrost for dinner. The bright side? At least the dog didn't eat it.
Be the cool, calm Mom - look at the bright side!

Suspicious minds...........

I was listening to a mommy confession on the radio- a woman was telling about coming out of church noticing that her son was lagging behind the family walking with his hands behind his back, acting a little suspicious. Mom asked what he was doing and received the "nothin" answer while he shuffled along. Mom asked what he had behind his back, "nothin" was the reply. Mom became concerned that he had taken something from church that didn't belong to him, so she asked him to show her what he had behind his back. The boy did not comply. Still concerned that he had something that wasn't his, mom sternly said "show me what you have in your hands!". With head hanging low, the boy brought his hands from behind his back and showed mom the gift he had made her for Mother's Day. Busted surprise! Mom felt terrible and said she learned a life-long lesson that day.
A dad who called in told about how they had company one evening  and while they were still visiting he had put his reluctant young daughter to bed. She came down a few minutes later saying, " dad, there is something furry upstairs." Dad, believing this was a stall tactic, told his daughter to go back upstairs to bed. A few minutes later she returned saying, " dad, there is something furry upstairs." Dad told her to go to bed and stay there. Not too much more time passed and here she came again, but before she could say anything dad grabbed her by the hand and walked her back up the stairs while sternly telling her that she had to stay in her bed. At the top of the stairs he turned and saw a gray-squirrel in the bathroom. Within minutes family and friends were running around with a sheet trying to get the furry creature out of the house. Needless to say, humble pie is best eaten warm!
How many times do we suspect the worst of our child first~ rather than thinking the best? And what message are we sending them with our suspicious minds?
Just something to think about.
Trust is a precious connection in a relationship, especially between parent and child. If your child usually tells the truth~ believe the best not the worst.
Be the parent: build trust.

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Do these things come with a manual?

I have heard more than one parent lament that their child did not come with an owner's manual. Wouldn't it be great if each child did come with instructions: this one is gassy, there are drops for that; this one sleeps all night but is a live-wire during the day, there are swing attachments for that; or this one only eats orange foods, avoid all greens. Unfortunatly, there is no manual for our newborn. However, when it comes to raising them and shaping there character, there IS one! It is called the Bible. Who has ALL the answers? Not me! Lets face it, we need all the help we can get. The Bible is FULL of direction and insight especially in the books of Proverbs and Psalms> they tell that a "wise man" does this and a "fool" does that. It is like the colored vegetables- you do one and avoid the other!
I know I could not do this job alone. It gives me great peace and courage to know that God (who is in control of my life) is bigger than me and all my problems, has the answers I don't even know the questions to yet and has the map and directions for me and my family to get through this life with joy and on into heaven. The heaven I am looking forward to is the home of Jesus Christ.
It is not my place to tell you how you should raise your child spiritually, but I do want to encourage you to find the help you need to the hardest job you will ever have! It is so very nice not to have to walk this place alone!
Be the Parent: Guide your child!

Let your No be No!

In my opinion, parenting is THE hardest job you will ever have and live to tell about!
You are nourishing bodies and souls, you are shaping character and forming compassionate hearts, as well as creating the leaders of future generations. Yeah, it may seem like all dirty diapers and smeared on baby food right now—but you just wait until you see the end results!
It is all too easy to get tired and overwhelmed because parenting takes soooo much energy, not only physical, but mental as well. Some days it is just easier to say "yeah, yeah" to a request rather than use the energy it would take to enforce a good "NO".
But may I encourage you to look farther down the road? Look at the character you would like your child(ren) to exhibit as adults and make the investment in that character now; no matter the energy it may require.
Children do not get spoiled because they are loved too much, they get spoiled because of inconsistent parenting and no clear boundaries.I am no parenting expert by any means, nor am I a psychologist, but I am a parent and I have seen how this all works. I like to tell parents that they can do this job, they can make it through the harder times and enjoy their children now and as they get older. However, it takes time and commitment.
The short term "yes" may give you peace for the moment, but the harder "no" may give you peace for many years. Think about it.
There is a lot of love behind a “no”.
Be the Parent: see the results

Get some sleep!

I am often asked how to get a child to sleep through the night. If you have ever watched Super Nanny you have received some great instruction on the topic. The point is, if you go to your children every time they cry after you put them down to sleep, you are telling them, “you are unable to go to sleep without me and if you cry I will come and help you get to sleep. Every time and all the time.” Is that REALLY what you want to do? I did not want to spend every night in a “get-back-in-your-bed-and-stop-crying” routine, which happens as your infant becomes a toddler that never learned how to go to sleep on his or her own. After learning from the first child, I parented smarter!
Infants need us- they depend on us for their very livelihood; they can not take care of themselves. So we feed and change and rock them…and sometimes they still cry. Crying is a child’s language- as you get used to your child you begin to understand the “I’m hungry” cry or the “my tummy hurts” cry. Or even the “I am wet and can’t stand it” cry. But sometimes, baby just needs to cry. And as long as all of his or her needs have been met, they are comfortable (not too hot and not too cold) and in a safe position, it is ok to let them cry. Maybe you let them cry for a few minutes the first night before going to him or her, and then 15 minutes the next, until eventually your baby is crying for a short period of time and drifting off to sleep without any patting or rocking from you. And if he or she wakes up in the night they will be able to go back to sleep without crying to get you back in the room so YOU can put them back to sleep. It really can be done. But it is all up to you. Decide what message you want your child to receive from you and act on it. I like the message: I love you and know you can go to sleep without me!
Teach your 3 year old( or what-ever age) that she can not come into your bed and sleep with you in the middle of the night by saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Put her back to bed a few nights in a row and you won’t have to deal with feet in your back or under your chin for months on end!
Everyone wins and the whole family is happier! Be the PARENT and get a good night’s sleep!